Tony In The Morning Blog |
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Man! The CRAZIEST stuff happens to ME. I AM married. And, I have KIDS. And a dog. And two cats. Read about it HERE... |
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| Posts from December 2012 |
New Years Eve! Zzzzzz
by Tony Manes
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posted Dec 30 2012 11:42AM
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SO..
"HERE" IS NEW YEARS EVE IN
"OUR" HOUSE..
A FEW DRINKS..
A GOOD DINNER..
& "TRY"..
TO STAY-"AWAKE"
UNTIL MIDNIGHT..
I'VE FOUND THE KEY TO MAKING IT UNTIL MIDNIGHT..
IS TO EAT DINNER AS "LATE" AS POSSIBLE..
LIKE AROUND 10:30..
"IF" I CAN STAY AWAKE UNTIL 10:30..
"WAITING" FOR DINNER..
& IT'S "FUNNY"..
BECAUSE I "DISTINCTLY" REMEMBER A TIME..
WHEN I WAS AROUND 21-22..
& COMING HOME TO MY PARENTS HOUSE ON A FRIDAY EVENING..
& MY DAD WAS "ASLEEP" ON THE COUCH..
AT LIKE "7"..
(APPARENTLY..A WEEK OF HARD WORK WILL DO "THAT" TO YOU)..
& I REMEMBER SAYING TO HIM
THERE WILL "NEVER" BE A FRIDAY NIGHT WHEN "I" AM AT "HOME"..
SLEEPING ON THE COUCH AT "THIS" HOUR..
& HE JUST CHUCKLED..
& SHOOK HIS HEAD..
"NOW"..
IT'S "ALL" I CAN DO..
TO STAY-AWAKE PAST "9"
ON A FRIDAY NIGHT..
MUCH-LESS NEW YEAR'S EVE..
& MY WIFE'S NOT MUCH BETTER..
SHE CAN MAKE IT UNTIL ABOUT 10..
IF "GREY'S ANATOMY" IS ON..
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Our kids are REGRESSING!?
by Tony Manes
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posted Dec 28 2012 11:37AM
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I SWEAR..
OUR "KIDS" ARE "REGRESSING"..
THEY'RE 19-20-&-21 YEARS OLD..
& OVER THIS CHRISTMAS BREAK..
THEY'VE BEEN "ACTING"-LIKE THEY'RE 9-10-&-11..
LIKE "YESTERDAY"..
I PULL INTO THE GARAGE..
& THERE-ARE
EXTENSION CHORDS
"ALL"-OVER THE FLOOR..
(NOW "OBVIOUSLY" SOMEONE "NEEDED" AN EXTENSION CHORD..
& A COUPLE "EXTRA"
FELL-"OUT" OF THE CONTAINER..
"WE'LL GET "THOSE" LATER")..
SO "THEN"
I WALK "IN"-TO THE HOUSE..
& SITTING "ON" THE TABLE
WE HAVE
IN "FRONT" OF THE COUCH..
IN THE "MIDDLE" OF THE LIVING ROOM..
IS OUR "MAC"-COMPUTER..
THAT "USUALLY" SITS ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER..
THEY HAD MOVED "IT" TO THE LIVING ROOM SO THEY COULD BE "ON-LINE" "&" WATCH TV AT THE "SAME" TIME..
(IT'S "THAT"-KIND OF "INGENUITY" THAT MAKES-"ME" FEEL-LIKE
THIS COLLEGE EDUCATION-THING IS REALLY "PAYING"-OFF!)..
"&"..
THERE ARE "HUNDRED'S" OF "OTHER" "LITTLE"-THINGS..
LIKE..
"TAKING" THE HAIR DRYER FROM "OUR" BATHROOM..
& "NOT" RETURNING-IT..
(SO AT "4"-IN THE MORNING..
I'M STUMBLING FROM ROOM-TO-ROOM..
IN A DARKENED-HOUSE..
TRYING TO TRACK-DOWN..
"OUR" HAIR DRYER)..
"OR"..
NOT "REPLACING" THE TOILET PAPER..
I ASKED MY WIFE YESTERDAY..
IF YOU USE THE LAST OF THE TOILET PAPER AT "YOUR" PARENTS HOUSE,
DO "YOU" REPLACE IT?..
"OR"..
TAKING MY I-PHONE "HEADPHONES"..OR "CHARGER"
IF THEY'RE ON THE COUNTER FOR MORE THAN 10-MINUTES..
I ASKED MY WIFE..
IF YOUR PARENTS LEAVE "THEIR" HEADPHONES..OR CHARGER..
ON "THEIR"-COUNTER..
DO "YOU" TAKE THEM?..
"OR"..
"&"
("THIS" IS MY "ALL"-TIME FAVORITE)..
PASSING-GAS
AT THE DINNER TABLE..
I'M-LIKE..
"REALLY"??..
WE SEND YOU "OFF" TO COLLEGE IN "PRETTY"-GOOD SHAPE..
"&"..
A "COUPLE" OF YEARS "LATER"..
"THIS" IS HOW YOU "ACT"?..
& "JD"
JUST "GRADUATED"?!?..
I URGED HIM TO PASS GAS AT THE TABLE..
WHEN HE HAS DINNER AT HIS "NEW" BOSSES HOUSE..
--------------------------
I "SWEAR"..
AS THEY GET "OLDER"..
BEING A PARENT..
GETS "HARDER"..
IT REQUIRES "GREAT"-PATIENCE
& BITING YOUR LIP..
("MINE" IS HEAVILY-BANDAGED)..
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Turn OFF the porch light!
by Tony Manes
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posted Dec 27 2012 11:56AM
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SO..
WE HAVE A LIGHT..
OUTSIDE..
"ABOVE" OUR FRONT DOOR..
"BECAUSE"
I "GREW-UP" IN INDIANA..
(sneeze-"RUBE")..
I CALL IT
OUR "FRONT-PORCH" LIGHT..
(sneeze-"RUBE")..
"EVEN" THOUGH
WE "DON'T" HAVE
A "FRONT-PORCH"..
IT'S MORE OF A "WALKWAY"..
"ANY-WAY"..
WHEN I GET UP IN THE MORNING
I TURN "OFF" THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS..
& TURN "ON"
THE "FRONT-PORCH" LIGHT..
(sneeze-"RUBE")..
& 4-OUT-OF-EVERY-5-DAYS..
WHEN I COME "HOME"
IN THE AFTERNOON..
THE "PORCH LIGHT" IS "STILL" ON..
EVEN "THOUGH"
MY WIFE..
GETS UP "LATER" IN THE MORNING..
& WALKS "IN"
& "OUT"
THE FRONT DOOR
WHEN SHE GOES TO EXERCISE..
"SO"
SHE WALKS "RIGHT"-PAST..
THE "PORCH LIGHT"..
"ON"..
"DURING" THE DAYTIME..
"TWICE"..
ANYWAY..
ALL "3"-OF OUR KIDS
ARE HOME ON CHRISTMAS BREAK..
& WHEN I DROVE UP YESTERDAY AFTERNOON..
THE PORCH LIGHT WAS "ON"..
& FOR "SOME"-REASON..
IT IRRITATED ME "MORE" THAN USUAL..
I THOUGHT..
"4"-PEOPLE IN THAT HOUSE "RIGHT"-NOW..
THEY'VE BEEN GOING "IN-&-OUT" THAT FRONT DOOR "ALL"-DAY..
& NOT "1" OF THEM..
COULD TURN-"OFF"
THE "FRONT-PORCH" LIGHT..
NOW WHEN IT'S "JUST"
MY WIFE & I..
I "DON'T" REALLY COMPLAIN..
(sneeze-"LIAR")..
BUT WHEN THE MONEY-CONSUMING..
MESS-MAKING..
TURNING "EVERY"-LIGHT IN THE HOUSE-ON..
CAN'T FIND THE TIME TO TAKE OUT THE TRASH OR TURN OFF THE "PORCH-LIGHT"..
COLLEGE KIDS..
CAN'T DO "IT"..
I GET IRRITATED..
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The Mayan calendar was WRONG
by Tony Manes
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posted Dec 21 2012 9:16AM
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"I'M" NOT SURPRISED THAT THE MAYAN CALENDAR WAS WRONG..
(ABOUT "TODAY" BEING THE END OF THE WORLD)..
I WAS LOOKING AT THE MAYAN CALENDAR YESTERDAY..
& IT'S "ALL"-WRONG..
THEY CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS IN "MARCH"..
THANKSGIVING IN "MAY"..
& THE 4TH OF JULY..ON NOVEMBER 12TH?!?..
"OBVIOUSLY" THEY HAD IT "ALL"-WRONG..
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SIGNS
THAT THE END OF THE WORLD IS "NEAR"..
-THE DANCING PIZZA COWBOY AT STOCKDALE & CALIFORNIA IS WEARING A "FLANNEL"-SHIRT..
-"NO" STRAY CATS AT HART PARK..
(PROBABLY TAKEN-UP IN THE RAPTURE--I'LL BET HEAVEN IS "FULL" OF STRAY CATS)..
-CHANNEL-17's "JIM SCOTT"..
"RAPPING"..
(JIM SCOTT..
LAYING DOWN THE RHYMES..
FIVE..SIX..& 11..ARE THE TIMES..
SHORTY..
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-THE "PARKING LOT"
AT "GOLDEN CORRAL"
IS "EMPTY"..
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-DAIRY COWS THAT "SMELL"
LIKE FRESH-BAKED COOKIES..
-WHEN YOU REACH THE "CREDIT LIMIT" ON YOUR "TARGET" CARD..
(WAIT---------
"WHY" IS "THAT-ONE" IN-HERE??
"THAT" IS A "SIGN" TO MY "WIFE"..
THAT THE END OF THE WORLD IS "NEAR")..
-NOT A "SINGLE" CAR ON ROSEDALE HIGHWAY..
(THAT'S DEFINITELY A "SIGN" THAT THE END OF THE WORLD IS "NEAR"..
"OR"..
THAT YOU'VE MISTAKENLY TAKEN AN "ON"-RAMP TO THE "NEW" CROSSTOWN FREEWAY..
WHICH ISN'T OPEN YET..
& "EXPLAINS" THE LACK OF TRAFFIC..
(The "most"-obvious sign that the end of the world may-be near)--
YOU CAN GET A TABLE..
AT "LUNCH"..
AT "LUIGI'S"..
ON A "FRIDAY"..
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I TOTALED my daughters car
by Tony Manes
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posted Dec 21 2012 9:13AM
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SO..
I TOLD YOU EARLIER IN THE WEEK.
I "WRECKED" MY "YOUNGEST"-DAUGHTER COLLEEN'S CAR
LAST WEEKEND..
WHILE WE WERE IN TUCSON FOR OUR "OLDEST"-JD'S-GRADUATION..
WELL..
I RECEIVED "THE CALL" FROM "STATE FARM" YESTERDAY..
I "KNEW" IT WAS GOING TO BE "BAD" NEWS..
(BECAUSE THE REAR-WHEEL..ON THE PASSENGER-SIDE..WHICH TOOK THE BRUNT OF THE IMPACT..WAS BENT-"OUT"..AT A WEIRD ANGLE)..
SO I WAS "READY"..
FOR THE "BAD"-NEWS..
"&".........THE "T"-WORD..
("TOTALED")..
& GUESS WHAT?..
IT "IS"..
& I'M-LIKE--"DOGGONE IT--"I" AM SUCH A MORON..FOR BEING DISTRACTED..& IMPATIENT..
& "WRECKING" MY DAUGHTER'S CAR"..
& "THEN"..
THE "STATE FARM" LADY STARTED TALKING ABOUT THE "VALUE" OF THE CAR..
& THROWING OUT ALL THESE NUMBERS..
& "ADDING" THEM UP..
& WHEN SHE "FINISHED"..
IT WAS A PRETTY-"BIG" NUMBER..
"AS"-MUCH..
AS I "PAID" FOR THE CAR..
"3"-YEARS AGO..
"PLUS"..
THEY'RE GOING TO REIMBURSE-ME
FOR MY AIRLINE TICKET HOME FROM PHOENIX SUNDAY..
"&" PAY ME..
FOR EVERY DAY I DIDN'T USE A RENTAL CAR..
NOW "THIS" IS "NOT" A PAID COMMERCIAL..
BUT "STATE FARM" HAS BEEN "REALLY" GOOD TO ME..
AS SOON AS I NOTIFIED THEM OF THE ACCIDENT..
WHICH OCCURED "OUT"-OF-STATE..
(WHICH IS "ALWAYS" A PAIN IN THE BUTT)..
THEY "SPRANG" INTO ACTION..
"FIRST"
MAKING SURE THAT "I" WAS ALL-RIGHT..
& HAD "EVERYTHING" I NEEDED TO GET "HOME"..
"THEN"..
THEY "DEALT" WITH ALL THE PAPERWORK & RED-TAPE..& HASSLE..
OF GETTING MY CAR FROM THE TOW LOT..TO THE DEALERSHIP..
TO THE ADJUSTER..TO THE JUNK YARD..
"IN" ARIZONA..
NOW "BELIEVE"-ME..
WHEN THAT MONTHLY "STATE FARM" BILL ARRIVES..
& I "SEE" HOW MUCH I "PAY"..
FOR MYSELF & OUR 2-DAUGHTERS..
EVERY-"MONTH"..
I "GRUMBLE"..
"NO"-MORE..
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I wreck my daughter's car
by Tony Manes
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posted Dec 20 2012 9:20AM
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SO YEAH..
"WHILE" WE WERE IN TUCSON FOR OUR OLDEST-JD'S GRADUATION..
I "WRECKED"
OUR YOUNGEST-COLLEEN'S CAR..
JD HAD "2"-GRADUATIONS..
"1"..
FOR THE BUSINESS SCHOOL..
& "ANOTHER"..
FOR THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA..
SO WE'RE DRIVING TO DINNER "AFTER" FRIDAY'S GRADUATION..
IT'S "ME"
& MY 76-YEAR-OLD MOM..
IN COLLEEN'S "NISSAN VERSA"..
ARIZONA INTERSECTIONS WITH TRAFFIC LIGHTS ARE "DIFFERENT"..
"FIRST
YOU GET A GREEN LIGHT..
FOR TRAFFIC IN "BOTH"-DIRECTIONS..
"INCLUDING" THE CARS TURNING "LEFT"..
SO..
YOU CAN "TURN" LEFT
IF YOU "HAVE" A GREEN LIGHT..
"&"..
THERE'S "NO" TRAFFIC COMING THE "OTHER" WAY..
& YOU "DON'T" HAVE TO "WAIT" FOR THE GREEN "ARROW"..
WHICH COMES ON
THE LAST "10"-SECONDS OF THE GREEN LIGHT..
SO..
MY MOM & I ARE SITTING AT A RED LIGHT..
IN THE LEFT-HAND TURN LANE..
TALKING..
& THE LIGHT TURNS "GREEN"..
NOW FOR "SOME"-REASON "I"
SEE IT AS A GREEN "ARROW"..
IT "WASN'T"..
IT WAS GREEN IN "BOTH" DIRECTIONS..
SO..
WHEN "I" TURN "LEFT"..
IT'S "ACROSS"
"3"-LANES
OF "ONCOMING" TRAFFIC..
THE CARS IN THE FIRST-"2" LANES..
RECOGNIZE ME AS SOME SORT OF "CALIFORNIA MORON"..
& "DON'T" GO..
"HOWEVER"
THE GUY IN THE "3RD"-LANE "DOESN'T" SEE ME..
& NAILS ME
AT THE PASSENGER-SIDE REAR-WHEEL..
WE "SPIN-AROUND"
IN THE "MIDDLE" OF THE INTERSECTION..
NOW "THANKFULLY"
MY "MOTHER" & "I"
WEREN'T "HURT"..
SLIGHTLY-SHAKEN..
BUT "NOT" HURT..
"&"
"IN" THE CAR "BEHIND"-US..
"WATCHING"..
MY WIFE..
MY MOTHER & FATHER-IN-LAW..
& MY SISTER-IN-LAW..
SO..
I "CRASHED"
MY "DAUGHTER'S" CAR..
WITH MY "MOM" IN THE PASSENGER SEAT..
WHILE MY "WIFE"..& "IN-LAWS"
"WATCH" THE WHOLE "BONEHEAD"-MOVE UNFOLD..
SO..
I'M EMBARRASED..
I'M "NERVOUS"..
THAT WHEN THE "STATE FARM" ADJUSTER CALLS TODAY..
HE'LL TELL ME IT'S "TOTALED"..
(THE TIRE WAS BENT "AWAY" FROM THE FRAME AT AN "ODD"-
ANGLE..
& THE "SIDE" AIR BAGS DEPLOYED)..
& IT MAKES ME "SICK" TO MY STOMACH..
THAT MY "IMPATIENT"..
"DISTRACTED"
DRIVING..
LED TO THIS ACCIDENT..
THERE'S A "LESSON" TO BE LEARNED HERE!
I WONDER IF I'LL LEARN IT?
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A Hero returns home
by Tony Manes
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posted Dec 19 2012 9:16AM
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SO..
BECAUSE "I" WRECKED OUR DAUGHTER COLLEEN'S CAR..
WHILE WE WERE IN TUCSON
OVER THE WEEKEND..
"I"
GOT TO "FLY"-HOME YESTERDAY..
WHILE COLLEEN & HER MOTHER
"DROVE" THE 9-HOURS "BACK" TO BAKERSFIELD..
& "WHAT" AN UNEXPECTED "SURPRISE"
I ENCOUNTERED..
WHEN WE LANDED AT MEADOWS FIELD..
& WALKED "IN"-TO THE LOBBY..
IT WAS "PACKED"..
WITH PEOPLE..
A-"LOT" OF VETERANS..
BUT ALSO..MOM'S & DAD'S..
& GRANDMA'S & GRANDPA'S..
& LITTLE KIDS..
THERE WERE "LITERALLY" "HUNDREDS" OF PEOPLE IN THE LOBBY..
& WHEN I WALKED OUT THE FRONT DOOR..
THERE WERE "HUNDREDS"-MORE
"OUT"-THERE..
(I HAVE "NEVER" SEEN "THAT" MANY PEOPLE AT MEADOWS FIELD)..
& "EVERY"-WHERE I LOOKED..
AMERICAN FLAGS..
SO..
I ASKED ONE OF THE VETERANS "WHO" THEY WERE WAITING FOR..
& HE SAID LANCE CORPORAL JOSHUA BRUBAKER..
WHO HAD LOST BOTH LEGS IN AFGHANISTAN..
SO..
I WORKED MY WAY THROUGH THE CROWD..
TO CATCH A CAB..
BUT..
I "STOPPED"..
& THOUGHT..
THERE'S SOMETHING "SPECIAL" GOING-ON HERE..
SO......I TURNED "AROUND"..
& WENT BACK "INSIDE"..
& "JOINED" THE CROWD..
"IN" THE LOBBY..
WAITING FOR LANCE CORPORAL JOSHUA BRUBAKER..
& IT MADE ME "PROUD"..
TO LIVE IN A PLACE LIKE BAKERSFIELD..
WHERE "HUNDREDS" OF PEOPLE SHOW-UP
TO GREET A MAN LIKE JOSHUA..
(pause)..
IT WAS A WEEKEND THAT "BEGAN"
WITH "ME"
STANDING IN FRONT OF THE T-V IN "DISBELIEF" & "HORROR"
OVER THE CONNECTICUTT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL SHOOTINGS..
& "ENDED"
WITH ME STANDING IN AN AIRPORT LOBBY..
FILLED WITH "PRIDE" & "AWE"..
OVER "MY" HOME TOWN'S "WELCOME HOME" FOR A WOUNDED-HERO..
& "IN"-BETWEEN..
I CELEBRATED "OUR" OLDEST CHILD GRADUATING COLLEGE..
& OUR "2ND"-KID RETURNING "SAFELY"
FROM A SEMESTER STUDYING IN ENGLAND..
& I THOUGHT ABOUT THE "PARENTS"
OF THE KIDS IN CONNECTICUTT..
& THE "PARENTS" OF JOSHUA BRUBAKER..
& THE EXPERIENCE "I" HAD JUST "HAD" AS A PARENT..
& I FELT BLESSED..
& THANKFUL..
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Looks like a RAT problem
by Tony Manes
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posted Dec 19 2012 9:11AM
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WOW..
WHAT A WEEK..
OUR FIRST KID IS GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE..
OUR "2ND" KID IS RETURNING FROM A SEMESTER-STUDYING IN ENGLAND..
"&"..
WITH "YOUR"-HELP..
I HAVE DETERMINED THAT THE MOUSE-INFESTATION "PROBLEM"
WE'VE BEEN DEALING WITH..
IS PROBABLY "ROOF RATS"..
"SOMETHING" I HAD "NEVER" HEARD-OF
IN MY "19"-YEARS IN BAKERSFIELD..
"UNTIL"
"HELEN" CALLED ME MONDAY..
& SAID "ROOF RATS" ARE COMMON TO BAKERSFIELD..
& "THEN" "HELEN"..
EMAILED ME THIS MORNING SAYING THAT THE KERN MOSQUITO & VECTOR CONTROL DISTRICT..
(WHICH MAKES ME "ITCH"
JUST "SAYING" IT)..
"HAS"
A "RAT CONTROL DEPARTMENT"..
& "THEY"
WILL COME "OUT" TO YOUR HOUSE..
FOR "NO"-CHARGE..
& SET "TRAPS"..
THE NUMBER IS 589-2744..
WAIT A MINUTE..
WAIT A MINUTE HERE..
WE'RE GOING TO HAVE "3"-COLLEGE KIDS "BACK" AT HOME NEXT WEEK..
(LAYING-AROUND ON THE COUCH..
EATING ALL THE FOOD..
TURNING ON "EVERY" LIGHT IN THE HOUSE)..
I COULD SEND "THEM" OUT TO THE BACKYARD
WITH SOME "CHEESE"
A COUPLE OF SHOVELS..
& A BUCKET..
"I'LL" PAY A DOLLAR FOR "EACH" DEAD RAT..
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Yip-Yip-Yipper Dogs
by Tony Manes
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posted Dec 15 2012 9:05AM
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SO..
I "WALK"
AT THE PARK ACROSS THE STREET FROM OUR HOUSE..
ABOUT HALF-WAY "AROUND" THE PARK
IS THIS HOUSE
WITH "2" LITTLE "YIPPER" DOGS..
NOW THE "ADULTS"
THAT "LIVE" IN THE HOUSE..
LET THEIR 2 "YIPPER"-DOGS..
RUN "FREE"..
SO..WHEN I'M WALKING..
THEY'RE "OUT"..
RUNNING AROUND THEIR YARD..
RUNNING "IN" THE STREET..
RUNNING AT THE PARK..
"YIP-YIP-YIPPING"..
AT "EVERYTHING" THEY SEE..
SO I'M WALKING..
& THE "2" "YIPPER" DOGS ARE "OUT"..
& AS "I" WALK-BY THEIR HOUSE..
"THEY" COME RUNNING OUT IN THE STREET--YIP-YIP-YIPPING--
AT "ME"..
NOW THEY'RE "SMALL"..
SO THEY'RE "NOT" SCARY..
THEY'RE JUST "ANNOYING"..
& I "KEEP" WALKING..
& THEY'RE "BEHIND" ME--"YIP-YIP-YIPPING"..
& "FINALLY" THEY "STOP"..
& TURN AROUND..
BECAUSE THEY FOUND SOMEONE "ELSE" TO ANNOY..
WELL THE "NEXT" TIME I COME AROUND..
THEY'RE STILL "OUT"..
& THEY "SEE" ME..
& "HERE" THEY COME..
"OUT" IN THE STREET..
"TOWARD" ME..
YIP-YIP-YIPPING..
SO I "TURN"..
& I "BARK"..
AT THEM..
"NOT" SOME "YIP-YIP-YIPPY" BARK..
BUT SOMETHING "BAD"..
LIKE YOU'D HEAR OUT OF A BIG-TOUGH GERMAN SHEPHARD..
OR A MAN-EATING DOBERMAN..
OR A YIP-YIP-YIPPER DOG-EATING PIT BULL..
(WOOF-WOOF-WOOF)..
& YOU KNOW "WHAT"
THE 2 "YIPPER"-DOGS DID?..
TURNED..
& "RAN" HOME..
& THE "NEXT" TIME I CAME AROUND..
THEY WERE "BACK" IN THE STREET..
"BUT"..
WHEN THEY SAW "ME" COMING..
THEY "RAN"..
FOR THEIR YARD..
& "I"
"DIDN'T" EVEN HAVE TO "BARK"..
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FIRST college graduate
by Tony Manes
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posted Dec 13 2012 2:04PM
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SO..
OUR "OLDEST"--JD..
IS "GRADUATING" FROM THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA THIS WEEKEND..
& "I'M"
HAVING A "DIFFICULT"-TIME
WRAPPING MY MIND
AROUND "THIS"-MOMENT..
"I"
"STILL" SEE "HIM"
AS THIS "LITTLE"-BOY..
WITH FLOPPY-LONG HAIR..
& BRACES..
WHO "LOVED" READING THE "HARRY POTTER" BOOKS..
& THE CLAW MACHINE..
& HIS CAT "BERT"..
& "ALWAYS" LOST HIS TEMPER WHEN I BEAT HIM AT PING PONG..
IT "CAN'T" BE-TIME..
FOR "THAT" LITTLE..
"BOY"..
TO BE GRADUATING "COLLEGE"..
HE HAS A JOB..
"IN"-PHOENIX..
WHICH IS "WHERE" HE "WANTS" TO LIVE..
IT'S "ANOTHER" OF THOSE "MILE-MARKERS"..
KINDERGARTEN..
JUNIOR HIGH..
HIGH SCHOOL..
DRIVERS LICENSE..
HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION..
GOING "OFF" TO COLLEGE..
GETTING THAT DEGREE..
& IT ALL-"HAPPENS"..
IN THE "BLINK OF AN EYE"..
1-DAY YOU'RE OUT IN FRONT OF YOUR HOUSE..
TAKING A PICTURE
AS THEY "LEAVE" FOR THE "FIRST"-DAY OF A NEW SCHOOL YEAR AT RONALD REAGAN ELEMENTARY..
& THE "NEXT"..
YOU'RE DRIVING "9"-HOURS..
TO TUCSON, ARIZONA..
TO WATCH ONE "GRADUATE"
FROM A "BIG" UNIVERSITY..
SO..I HAVE "MIXED"-EMOTIONS ABOUT THE WEEKEND..
ON "1"-HAND..
AFTER 21-YEARS..
"1"-KID..
WILL BE COMING "OFF" THE PAYROLL..
(WHICH IS "ALLLLLL"-GOOD).
WHILE ON THE "OTHER"..
HE'LL "NO"-LONGER
BE "OUR" RESPONSIBILITY..
IT'S "FREEING"..
WHILE AT THE "SAME"-TIME
IT'S A LITTLE "SAD"..
I GUESS "THIS"
IS THAT "FINAL"-NUDGE..
"OUT" OF THE NEST..
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Roof Rats?!?
by Tony Manes
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posted Dec 11 2012 2:00PM
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EVER HEARD OF A "ROOF RAT"?..
I HADN'T..
UNTIL YESTERDAY..
FOR THE LAST 6-MONTHS..
WE'VE BEEN FINDING DEAD..
& "LIVE"
MICE..IN OUR HOUSE..
"MORE" THAN WE'VE FOUND IN THE PREVIOUS "12"-YEARS..
& "I"..
HAVE "PERSONALLY"
CAPTURED "MORE"-MICE..
THAN OUR "2"-CATS COMBINED..
(I USED AN OVEN MITT TO SWEEP ONE OUT OF THE PANTRY & IN TO THE TRASH CAN ON SATURDAY)..
WELL YESTERDAY..
A LISTENER CALLED-IN & TOLD ME ABOUT "ROOF RATS"..
APPARENTLY THEY'RE COMMON TO BAKERSFIELD?..
(I'VE LIVED HERE 19-YEARS..& I'VE "NEVER" HEARD OF "ROOF RATS")..
WELL SHE SAID..
THEY "LIVE" IN NEIGHBORHOODS..
& THEY TRAVEL ALONG FENCE LINES..
"&"..BY "ROOF"..
& IT "REMINDED"-ME..
I "THOUGHT" I SAW "SOMETHING" RUNNING ON TOP OF THE FENCE
1-NIGHT..
& 1-LATE "AFTERNOON"..
I "THOUGHT" I SAW A MOUSE ON MY NEIGHBORS GARAGE ROOF..
SO..WHAT SHE "SAID"
MADE SENSE..
SO I LOOKED-UP "ROOF RATS" ON WIKIPEDIA..
& I FOUND SOME "INTERESTING" FACTS..
SUCH AS..
THE FEMALE "ROOF RAT" PRODUCES "6"-TO-"8" LITTERS A "YEAR"..
WITH LITTERS
OF UP-TO-"10"..
THAT MEANS..
THEY ARE OUT IN MY BACKYARD "RIGHT"-NOW..
"REPRODUCING"..
"FASTER" THAN THE CATS & I..
(WELL "MAINLY" I)..
CAN CAPTURE..& KILL THEM..
"&"..
ACCORDING TO WIKIPEDIA..
SOCIAL GROUPS OF UP TO "60"..
CAN BE FORMED..
SO..
FIGURING THAT "HALF" THOSE ARE FEMALES..
THAT WOULD BE "30" FEMALES..
PRODUCING 6-TO-8 LITTERS A YEAR..
OF UP TO "10" OFFSPRING..
THAT'S-LIKE..
30,000 OFFSPRING A YEAR..
WE'RE GOING TO NEED "MORE"-CATS..
THAT'S WHY "I"..
WILL BE HEADING OUT TO HART PARK THIS WEEKEND
TO GRAB A COUPLE-DOZEN STRAYS..
(IS IT "WORSE" TO BE
THE "CRAZY CAT PEOPLE"?..
OR..
THE "CRAZY ROOF RAT PEOPLE"?)..
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Another mouse in the house-Part 3
by Tony Manes
,
posted Dec 10 2012 1:51PM
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SO..
A "BUNCH" OF MICE..
HAVE "INVADED" OUR BACKYARD..
FOR THE PAST SIX-MONTHS..
WE'LL PERIODICALLY FIND A "DEAD"-MOUSE..IN THE HOUSE..
ALTHOUGH "ONE"-MORNING..
"I"
HAD TO CATCH A MOUSE WITH MY "BARE"-HANDS..
WHILE OUR 2-CATS..
WERE "EATING"..AT THE FOOD BOWL..
& THE "LAST"-TIME WE WENT TO SEE OUR KIDS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA..
WE GOT HOME..
& THERE WAS A "LIVE"-MOUSE
HANGING FROM A LAMPSHADE..
RIGHT-"ABOVE"
THE FOOD BOWL..
"WHILE" THE CATS WERE EATING..
SO.."I"
HAD TO CATCH "THAT" MOUSE "TOO"....
WELL SATURDAY MORNING..
& I OPEN THE PANTRY "DOOR"..
TO GET SOME CEREAL..
& THERE'S A "LIVE"-MOUSE SCAMPERING AROUND..
"ON" THE FLOOR..
"BEHIND" THE TRASH CAN..
WELL "IT" SEES ME..
& TAKES-OFF..
RUNNING "UP" A BROOM HANDLE..
& GETS TO THE FIRST-SHELF..
WHERE IT "HIDES"..
"BEHIND" THE CANNED VEGETABLES & SOUPS..& BOXES OF CEREAL..
SO "I"
GET AN OVEN MITT..
BECAUSE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO "GRAB"-IT..
(BECAUSE THE CATS ARE EATING BREAKFAST)..
SO..HERE I AM..
"IN" MY PAJAMAS..
"IN" THE PANTRY..
"WEARING" AN OVEN MITT..
"LOOKING" FOR THIS MOUSE..
& I'M "SHAKING"..
I'M LIKE-"NERVOUS..
AS I'M MOVING THE CANS & BOXES AROUND..
"HUNTING"
FOR THIS "LITTLE" "MOUSE"..
WELL "FINALLY"
I CORNER IT..
& SWEEP IT
("WITH" THE OVEN MITT)..
"IN"-TO THE TRASH CAN..
I TIE-UP THE TRASH BAG..
& TAKE IT "OUTSIDE"
TO THE GARBAGE CAN..
& I CAN "FEEL"-THE MOUSR..
MOVING AROUND
"INSIDE" THE BAG..
"&"..
SINCE IT WAS STILL-"ALIVE" WHEN I PUT IT "IN"-THERE..
"EVERY"-TIME I TAKE SOMETHING "OUT" TO THE GARBAGE "NOW"..
I'M "AFRAID" THAT MOUSE
IS GOING TO "JUMP"-OUT OF THE CAN..
& SCARE ME..
I'M A NERVOUS WRECK "EVERY"-TIME I "LIFT" THAT LID..
(I CAN'T WAIT..FOR GARBAGE DAY)..
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Impatience leads to embarrasment
by Tony Manes
,
posted Dec 3 2012 10:39AM
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SO..
I'VE MENTIONED A "COUPLE"
OF TIMES "BEFORE"..
"I"
AM AN "IMPATIENT" DRIVER..
"ONCE" I GET BEHIND-THE-WHEEL..
I DO-"NOT"
"SUFFER-FOOLS" EASILY..
& PEOPLE ARE SO "DISTRACTED"
BY THEIR CELL PHONES..
& THEIR PASSENGERS..
& THEIR BREAKFAST BURRITOS..
THAT THEY JUST "DON'T" PAY ATTENTION "ANYMORE"..
SO..
MY WIFE & I ARE DRIVING TO CHURCH YESTERDAY MORNING..
WE GO "EARLY"..& THERE'S "NOT" MUCH TRAFFIC..
WELL..
WE PULL UP TO A TRAFFIC LIGHT TO TURN RIGHT..
& THERE'S A CAR IN-"FRONT" OF US
"ALSO" TURNING RIGHT..
NOW THE LIGHT IS "RED"..
& EVEN "THOUGH" THERE'S "NO" CROSS-TRAFFIC..
THE DRIVER IN "FRONT" OF ME
"WON'T" TURN "RIGHT ON RED"..
SO..
I'M "WAITING"..
AS PATIENTLY AS I "CAN"
"WHEN" I'M BEHIND THE WHEEL..
& "FINALLY"
THE LIGHT TURNS "GREEN"..
& THE CAR IN FRONT OF ME..
"DOESN'T" MOVE..
& "STILL" DOESN'T MOVE..
& AFTER A COUPLE OF SECONDS..
I "HONK" MY HORN..
WELL "THAT" GETS THEM GOING..
SO "THEY" TURN RIGHT...
& "I" TURN RIGHT..
& I PASS THEM..
& CONTINUE "BARRELING"-DOWN STOCKDALE HIGHWAY..
TO CHURCH..
WELL..
I "NOTICE"..
AS WE GET "CLOSER"..
THAT THE CAR IS "STILL" BEHIND ME..
"&"
AS WE TURN INTO THE PARKING LOT..
"THE CAR" TURNS INTO THE PARKING LOT "TOO"..
SO..I PARK..
& THE CAR PARKS
IN THE ROW "FACING"-US..
SO MY WIFE & I..
"HAVE" TO WALK "RIGHT"-PAST
THE CAR..
& THE DOOR OPENS..
& THIS LITTLE OLD-LADY GETS OUT..
& SHE LOOKS "RIGHT" AT ME..
& JUST SHAKES HER HEAD..
AS IF "IN DISGUST"..
& THEN.."AFTER"-CHURCH..
WHEN WE'RE WALKING-OUT..
I SEE HER "AGAIN"..
& SHE LOOKS AT ME "AGAIN"..
& JUST SHAKES HER HEAD..
"AGAIN"..
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