Tony In The Morning Blog
Man! The CRAZIEST stuff happens to ME. I AM married. And, I have KIDS. And a dog. And two cats. Read about it HERE...
Posts from January 2013
I'm concerned about the Crosstown Freeway
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 29 2013 4:06PM
SO.. SUNDAY.. MY WIFE & I WENT FOR OUR "WALK".. MOST-"EVERY"-SUNDAY.. "AFTER"-CHURCH.. MY WIFE "MAKES"-ME.. GO FOR A WALK.. WE TAKE OUR DOG MOLLY.. & WE GO TO HART PARK.. OR LAKE MING.. OR CSUB.. OR BC.. OR THE PARK AT RIVERWALK.. WELL "I".. HAD BEEN "EYEING" THAT "NEW".. "UN"-OPENED.. "CROSSTOWN FREEWAY".. I DRIVE "OVER"-IT "QUITE"-A-BIT ON "BRIMHALL".. & I'VE "WATCHED".. AS THEY "BUILT"-IT.. & "PAVED"-IT.. & "NOW".. THEY'VE INSTALLED "RAMPS".. SO "I".. "WANTED" TO "WALK" ON-IT.. SO WE-DID.. WE "STARTED" AT THE "BRIMHALL" OVERPASS.. & WALKED "WEST".. UNDER "JEWETTA".. "UP" THE HILL.. UNTIL IT "ENDS".. AT "ALLEN ROAD".. & "BACK".. & THE-"FARTHER" WE WALKED.. "I"..STARTED TO "NOTICE" SOMETHING "DISTURBING".. "ABOUT" THE "CROSSTOWN FREEWAY".. FOR "MILES".. ALONG "BOTH"-SIDES OF THE FREEWAY.. APPLE CORES.. EMPTY YOGURT CUPS.. ORANGE PEELS.. &....."MOST"-DISTURBING OF "ALL".. EMPTY "PERRIER" BOTTLES.. & "I"-THOUGHT.. "THIS" FREEWAY.. IS BEING "BUILT" BY "CONSTRUCTION WORKERS" WHO "EAT" "FRUIT" & "YOGURT".. & "DRINK" "PERRIER"??.. ------- I'M "PRETTY" SURE" I WANT "MY" FREEWAYS "BUILT" BY "CONSTRUCTION WORKERS" WHO "EAT" BEAR CLAWS.. & DOUBLE CHEESEBURGERS.. & "DRINK" "JACK DANIELS".. --------- "OUT" OF A "PERRIER" BOTTLE.. (SO THE BOSS DOESN'T "CATCH"-THEM)..
MY imaginary girlfriends
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 29 2013 3:45PM
SO.. NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL PLAYER MANTI TEO IS ON THE "KATIE COURIC SHOW" TODAY.. ---------- AS I SAID EARLIER THIS WEEK.. WHAT'S THE BIG-DEAL?.. "I'VE" HAD "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS" PRETTY-MUCH MY "WHOLE"-LIFE.. WELL..LAST-NIGHT.. I DECIDED TO MAKE A LIST OF "ALL" THE "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS" THAT I COULD REMEMBER.. --------------- (#1)--MY "1ST" "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND" WAS.. --(MY 3RD GRADE TEACHER MRS. LIGHTNER)-- I "DIDN'T" UNDERSTAND THE "TINGLING"-SENSATION I "FELT" WHEN MRS. LIGHTNER WROTE OUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT ON THE BLACKBOARD.. BUT I "LIKED"-IT.. "UNTIL"...... I "IMAGINED" HER GIVING ME "SPELLING TESTS" & "MATH PROBLEMS" & "TAKING MY ATTENDANCE".. THE "REST" OF MY LIFE.. SO I DECIDED.. TO "REMAIN" A BACHELOR.. ----------------------- (#2)--(THE 7TH GRADE CHEERLEADERS)-- OUR 7TH GRADE CHEERLEADING SQUAD.. WAS THE "HOTTEST" COLLECTION OF 7TH GRADE GIRLS.. "I"..HAD "EVER" SEEN.. ("WAY"-HOTTER THAN THE STUPID "6TH"-GRADE CHEERLEADERS).. BUT.. HOW WAS "I" SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE "JUST"-1??.. SO "I" MADE-ALL "6"-OF THEM MY "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS".. HONESTLY THOUGH.. IT'S A "LOT" OF "WORK".. BALANCING-"6".. "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS".. ----------------------- (#3)--(A PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD)-- HIDDEN "ABOVE" OUR WASHING MACHINE.. I FOUND MY DAD'S STASH OF "PLAYBOY" MAGAZINES.. (NEXT TO ICE CREAM..& TUBE SOCKS.. IT WAS THE "GREATEST" DISCOVERY OF MY LIFE).. "&"---FOR A "MOMENT" I "UNDERSTOOD" HOW CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS MUST HAVE FELT... WHEN "HE" DISCOVERED "HIS"-DAD'S "PLAYBOY"-STASH.. --------------------------- --------------------------- (#4)--(FARRAH FAWCETT)-- "SHE" WAS THE 1ST "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND" THAT MY PARENTS "ALLOWED"-"IN" MY ROOM.. THEY EVEN LET-ME "CLOSE" THE DOOR.. (WHICH WAS COOL.. BECAUSE SHE WAS "TAPED" TO THE "BACK" OF THE DOOR).. --------------------- (#5)--(DOLLY PARTON)-- "SHE" WAS THE "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND" WHO "1ST"-MADE ME NOTICE BIG-----------"HAIR".. (SHE HAD THE BIGGEST-------"HAIR" "I" HAD EVER-SEEN).. & "REMEMBER".. "I" HAD SEEN BIG------------"HAIR".. "BEFORE".. BACK-WHEN I DISCOVERED MY DAD'S STASH-OF-"PLAYBOYS".. --------------------- --------------------- (#6)--(CHRISTIE BRINKLEY)-- NATIONAL.. LAMPOON'S.. VACATION.. CHRISTIE BRINKLEY "IN" THE POOL (whispers--SHE'S "NAKED").. WHEN "SHE" WAS MY "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND" WE SPENT A-"LOT" OF TIME "IN" THE POOL.. ("UNFORTUNATELY".. I WORE GLASSES "THEN"...... & I "NEVER" WORE MY "GLASSES" INTO THE POOL.... SO "EVERYTHING" WAS "BLURRY".. & I COULDN'T TELL IF IT WAS CHRISTIE BRINKLEY.. OR MY AUNT EDNA).. -------------------- -------------------- (#7)--(BO DEREK)-- I "WATCHED" BO DEREK RUNNING DOWN THE BEACH IN THE MOVIE "10".. (AGAIN..& AGAIN..& AGAIN).. WITH HER-----"HAIR"------ BOUNCING UP.........& DOWN.. UP.......& DOWN.. UP.......& DOWN.. ("&"..IT WAS A "COLD"-DAY "AT" THE BEACH "THAT"-DAY).. ------------------- ------------------- (#8)--(SHANIA TWAIN)-- THIS WAS DURING MY "COUNTRY"-PHASE.. WHEN I WAS "IN"-TO "ALL" THINGS "COUNTRY".. BOOTS.. 10-GALLON HATS.. COW PIES.. (BY-"FAR"..THE "LEAST"-TASTY" OF "ALL" THE "PIES").. EVENTUALLY..I "IMAGINARY DUMPED"-SHANIA.. I WAS AFRAID SHE WAS GOING TO MAKE ME "LINE-DANCE".. (& I DON'T DO "THAT"---"EVEN" FOR SHANIA TWAIN-- NO MATTER "HOW"-MANY BEERS I'VE HAD).. --------------------- (#9)--(ELIZABETH HURLEY)-- THIS WAS DURING MY "BRITISH"-PHASE.. WHEN I WAS "IN" TO "ALL" THINGS "BRITISH".. JAMES BOND.. FISH & CHIPS.. "STRIP-BILLIARDS".. "SHE" WAS MY "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND"-"AFTER" HUGH GRANT DUMPED-HER.. SO "SHE" WAS ON THE "REBOUND".. & I'LL ADMIT.."I"..TOOK ADVANTAGE OF "THAT.. (SHE WAS MORE AN "IMAGINARY FRIEND-WITH-BENEFITS").. --------------------- --------------------- (#10)--(JENNIFER ANISTON)-- JENNIFER ANISTON WAS MY "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND" WHEN "FRIENDS" WAS AT THE HEIGHT OF IT'S POPULARITY.. (AFTER "I" DUMPED-HER.. AS MY "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND".. SHE STARTED DATING BRAD PITT.. "JUST" TO GET "BACK" AT ME).. --------------------- (#11)--(TYRA BANKS)-- NOW THE "ONLY" REASON TYRA BANKS WAS MY "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND" WAS BECAUSE "I" WANTED TO "SHOW" JENNIFER ANISTON.. THAT I "DIDN'T" CARE THAT "SHE" WAS DATING BRAD PITT.. --------------------- (#12)--(SALMA HAYEK)-- FOR THE LAST "5"-YEARS MY "EXCLUSIVE"-"IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND" HAS BEEN SALMA HAYEK.. WE GO TO HOLLYWOOD MOVIE PREMIERES.. HAVE DINNER WITH HER FAMOUS FRIENDS AT THE FINEST RESTAURANTS.. JET TO EXOTIC DESTINATIONS.. BUT "MOST"-OF-THE-TIME.. WE JUST "HANG-OUT" IN MY MAN CAVE.. WATCHING SPORTS & NAPPING.. NOW I "NEVER" TALK ABOUT SALMA IN "FRONT" OF MY WIFE.. IN FACT.. I TELL MY "WIFE" THAT IF I COULD "HAVE" AN "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND".. IT WOULD-BE BETTY WHITE.. THAT WAY.. SHE "DOESN'T" FEEL-THREATENED.. & I GET TO "CARRY-ON" WITH SALMA.. Tags : Topics: Human Interest Social: Human Interest People: BO DEREK , BRAD PITT , CHRISTIE BRINKLEY , DOLLY PARTON , ELIZABETH HURLEY , FARRAH FAWCETT , HUGH GRANT , JENNIFER ANISTON , MANTI TEO , SALMA HAYEK , SHANIA TWAIN
A new neighbor
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 29 2013 3:42PM
SO.. THIS NEW-FAMILY HAS MOVED INTO THE HOUSE DOWN THE STREET FROM US.. "&".. IT'S THE "MOST"-ADORABLE THING.. WHEN I COME HOME IN THE AFTERNOON.. I SEE THE GRANDPA.. WALKING THE LITTLE-GIRL "HOME" FROM SCHOOL.. IT'S "JUST" THE-"CUTEST"-THING.. & IT "REMINDS" ME OF "MY"-GIRLS.. & "HOW".. WHEN "THEY" WENT TO "RONALD REGAN ELEMENTARY".. & "HOW".. I WOULD MEET-"THEM" AFTER-SCHOOL.. & WALK-HOME WITH "THEM".. & "I"-WANT TO BE A "GRANDPA".. SO "I"..CAN WALK "MY" GRANDKIDS HOME FROM SCHOOL.. WELL "THURSDAY".. I WAS BRINGING THE TRASH CANS UP TO THE HOUSE FROM THE STREET.. & "HERE"-COMES THE GRANDPA.. "HEADING"-UP THE STREET.. TO MEET HIS GRANDDAUGHTER AT SCHOOL.. & I SAY "HI"..TO HIM.. & I SAY.. "I SEE YOU EVERYDAY.. WALKING THAT LITTLE GIRL HOME FROM SCHOOL.. I THINK THAT'S REALLY-COOL.. "I" CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE SOME GRANDKIDS "I" CAN WALK HOME FROM SCHOOL".. & "HE"-SAYS.. "THAT'S" MY "DAUGHTER".. --PREGNANT PAUSE-- ("EMBARRASSING").. SO "I"-STAMMER-AROUND.. "WELL "THAT'S" COOL.. MY DAUGHTERS "USED" TO GO TO REAGAN.. & I "LOVED" WALKING-"THEM" HOME FROM SCHOOL".. & I "FELT"..LIKE A "COMPLETE"-MORON.. BECAUSE THE "ONLY"-REASON "I" THOUGHT HER WAS HER "GRANDPA".. WAS "BECAUSE" HE HAD "GREY"-HAIR.. "THAT'S"-IT.. I "SAW" THIS "GREY"-HAIRED GUY.. WALKING THIS LITTLE-GIRL "HOME" FROM SCHOOL "EVERY"-AFTERNOON.. & I "ASSUMED".. "GRANDPARENT".. "I".. AM "STILL".. TRYING TO "DISLODGE" MY FOOT..FROM MY MOUTH..
SCARED of the Dentist!
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 29 2013 3:38PM
SO.. I WENT TO MY DENTIST--"DR. BERRY"--YESTERDAY.. TO GET A "CROWN".. IT'S MY "3RD"-CROWN.. IN THE LAST "3"-MONTHS.. (1-MORE.....& THE "5TH"-ONE IS "FREE").. & I-"BLAME".. MY "CHILDHOOD"- DENTIST.. "DR. HOY".. WHEN I WAS A KID.. "GOING TO THE DENTIST".. WAS THE "SCARIEST"-EXPERIENCE OF THE WHOLE-"YEAR".. ("SCARIER" THAN.. -"SISTER MARY JOSEPH".. -SHOWERING AFTER GYM CLASS.. -OR MY MOM'S MEATLOAF.. "COMBINED").. HE WASN'T A "DENTIST".. HE WAS A LICENSED "TORTURE EXPERT" FOR THE C-I-A.. ("THAT'S"-WHY THE TORTURE-SCENES IN "ZERO DARK 30" "DIDN'T" SCARE "ME").. "DR. HOY".. DIDN'T "BELIEVE" IN THAT "FANCY" NEW DRUG "NOVACAINE".. SO..IF "HE" DISCOVERED A CAVITY.. THERE WAS GOING TO BE "HELL TO PAY".. & MY "MOUTH" WAS GOING TO BE "SATAN'S PLAYGROUND".. & IT "DIDN'T"-MATTER IF YOU WERE "UNLUCKY"-ENOUGH TO HAVE "1"-CAVITY.. "OR"..LIKE MY SISTER-1-TIME---"5".. "DR. HOY" WOULD "FILL 'EM ALL".. ("WITHOUT" NOVACAINE).. SO......"WELL"-INTO ADULTHOOD.. I DIDN'T "GO" TO THE DENTIST.. WELL.. "3"-CROWNS.. "2"-ROOT CANALS.. & "1"-"ORIGINAL" TOOTH-"LEFT".. "LATER".. MY MOUTH IS "STILL" A MESS.. (I NEED "ANOTHER" ROOT CANAL).. & "DESPITE" GREAT-ADVANCES IN "DENTISTRY".. & A "GREAT" DENTIST LIKE "DR. BERRY".. (WHO DOESN'T "HURT" ME).. "DR. HOY".. "HAUNTS"-ME.. TO "THIS"-DAY.. ------------------ (#1) WOULD IT BE WIERD TO SEE A "PSYCHIATRIST" TO GET OVER MY "FEAR" OF A "DENTIST"?.. ----------------- (#2) BECAUSE "I"- ASSOCIATE "GOING TO THE DENTIST".. WITH "PAIN" & "SUFFERING".. WHEN I WENT-TO "DR. BERRY'S" OFFICE FORTHE "FIRST"-TIME-- LIKE 15-YEARS AGO-- I OPENED MY MOUTH.. & "HE" "DROPPED" BOTH HIS "PICK".. "&"..HIS "LITTLE MIRROR" RIGHT-"ON"-THE-"FLOOR".. ("ALL" OF HIS YEARS OF DENTAL-TRAINING.. "DIDN'T" PREPARE "HIM" FOR WHAT HE "SAW" IN "MY"-MOUTH).. ---------------------- ALTHOUGH MY "NUMEROUS" VISITS TO HIS OFFICE.. HAVE HELPED PAY FOR THE HELICOPTER DECK ON HIS YACHT.. HE "DOESN'T" HAVE A YACHT.. IT'S MORE-LIKE ONE OF THOSE CARNIVAL CRUISE SHIPS..
My scarf is WARM!
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 17 2013 3:11PM
SO.. IT'S THE "TIME" OF YEAR.. WHEN "WE".. WHO LIVE IN A PLACE THAT HAS "5"-MONTHS OF "HOT"-SUMMER WEATHER.. GET TO BREAK-OUT OUR "COLD WEATHER CLOTHES".. THE HEAVY COATS & SWEATERS.. GLOVES.. HATS.. & "SCARVES".. HOW DO "YOU"-FEEL ABOUT "GUYS" WEARING SCARVES?.. IN "MY"-MIND GUYS WHO WEAR SCARVES IN THE "WINTER".. FALL INTO "2"-CATEGORIES.. GUYS WHO WEAR SCARVES AS A "FASHION-STATEMENT".. & GUYS LIKE "ME".. WHO WEAR SCARVES BECAUSE THEY ARE "EFFECTIVE" AT KEEPING "ME" WARM.. I GREW-UP IN INDIANA.. WHERE WE HAD "REAL"-WINTER.. FROM NOVEMBER TO EARLY-MAY.. "MOST"-WINTER DAYS.. "I'D" LEAVE THE HOUSE "BUNDLED-UP" LIKE "RALHPIE'S" BROTHER IN "A CHRISTMAS STORY".. (YOU KNOW--WITH THE SCARF "WRAPPED"-AROUND YOUR FACE & NECK).. WELL..MY SISTER-IN-LAW.. GOT ME A NICE BLACK & GREY SCARF FOR CHRISTMAS.. & I'VE BEEN "WEARING"-IT TO WORK..ON THESE COLD MORNINGS.. I WRAP IT TIGHTLY AROUND MY NECK.. "UNDER" MY COAT.. & IT "HELPS" KEEP ME WARM.. "ESPECIALLY" MY NECK.. WELL "YESTERDAY".. ONE OF MY CO-WORKERS STOPPED ME OUTSIDE THE BUILDING.. & STARTED TO GIVE ME A "HARD-TIME" ABOUT WEARING A SCARF.. & HE SAID TO ME.. "REAL MEN..."DON'T" WEAR SCARVES".. & "I" SAID---REALLY??.. SO "REAL" MEN "LIKE" COLD NECKS??.. & "HE"-SAID.. "REAL MEN "DON'T" GET COLD NECKS.. & I'M-LIKE "REEEEEALLY".. SO..YOU KNOW WHAT I DID?..
KICKED HIM WITH MY "UGGS"..
My NEW Man Girdle
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 15 2013 3:50PM
SO.. MY WIFE.. BOUGHT ME SOME "SLIM-FIT" T-SHIRTS.. FOR CHRISTMAS.. & "I" HADN'T WORN ONE.. "UNTIL" YESTERDAY.. NOW "I".. AM A "T-SHIRT GUY".. I WEAR ONE IN THE "WINTER"... FOR AN "EXTRA"-LAYER OF "WARMTH".. "&".. ONE IN THE "SUMMER".. TO KEEP THE "SWEAT" FROM "SOAKING"-THROUGH TO MY "OUTER"-SHIRT.. BUT MY WIFE.. "DOESN'T"-LIKE THE T-SHIRTS I "WEAR".. SO SHE "BOUGHT"-ME.. THESE "SLIM-FIT" "V"-NECKS.. WELL "SLIM-FIT" "MUST"-MEAN "TIGHT"-FIT.. BECAUSE I "FELT".. LIKE ALL MY "STUFF" ("BETWEEN" MY WAIST & NECK).. WAS BEING SQUEEZED-"TOGETHER".. (& "I" HAVE A-"LOT" OF "STUFF" "BETWEEN" MY WAIST & NECK-- & IT "DON'T"-LIKE BEING "RESTRAINED").. IT'S WHAT I "IMAGINED" IT "MUST"-FEEL LIKE WHEN ONE OF THOSE "GIANT" ANACONDA SNAKES WRAPS ITSELF AROUND YOU.. SO.. I'M "GASPING" FOR BREATH.. (THINKING THIS T-SHIRT IS GOING TO "RIP"-OPEN.. LIKE-THE "INCREDIBLE HULK").. "&" I LOOKED AT MYSELF IN THE MIRROR.. & THE "AREA" BEING "COVERED" BY MY "NEW" "SLIM-FIT" T-SHIRT.. LOOKED LIKE A "PILLOWCASE".. STUFFED.. WITH "FOOTBALLS".. ALL-THESE "ODD"-BULGES.. & INDENTATIONS.. "SURE" "CALL-IT" A "SLIM-FIT" T-SHIRT.. (SAYS "RIGHT"-ON THE BOX-- "FITS CLOSE TO THE BODY FOR LESS-BULK").. & "TELL ME" IT "LOOKS" BETTER UNDER MY SWEATERS.. BUT I "KNOW" WHAT IT "IS"..
IT'S A "MAN-GIRDLE"..
1 college kid left at home
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 9 2013 2:28PM
SO.. "AFTER" THE HUSTLE & BUSTLE OF THE HOLIDAYS.. MY WIFE & I ARE DOWN-TO JUST "1"-COLLEGE STUDENT.. JD..THE TOBACCO SALESMAN..IS IN RICHMOND, VA THIS WEEK.. FOR TRAINING.. & COLLEEN..OUR YOUNGEST.. HAS RETURNED TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA.. "THAT" LEAVES US WITH "JUST"-MEGAN.. WHO HAS BEEN A "COMPLETE" "GRUMPY-GUS".. SINCE SHE HAD HER WISDOM TEETH PULLED LAST WEEK.. SHE'S STILL A LITTLE SWOLLEN.. & SORE.. & SHE'S "IMPATIENT".. (I "WONDER"..WHO SHE GETS "THAT"-FROM??).. SHE'S "READY" TO BE "HEALED".. SO SHE CAN "JET-OFF" TO BOSTON.. TO SEE A COLLEGE FRIEND.. "BEFORE"-RETURNING FOR HER 2ND SEMESTER AT FORDHAM..IN NYC.. (AS THE "JET SET LIFE" CONTINUES FOR MEGAN).. SHE WANTS TO "FLY TO BOSTON".. "FOR A FEW DAYS".. "BEFORE" MOVING "IN" TO "HER APARTMENT".. IN THE BRONX.. SOOOO.. SHE'S BEEN SLEEPING "ALOT".. & SITTING ON THE COUCH WITH AN ICE PACK ON HER CHEEK.. "ON" HER LAPTOP.. "COMPLAINING" ABOUT HOW "BAAAADLY" SHE FEELS.. JUST "GENERALLY" BEING A "GROUCH".. & THERE IS "NOTHING".. "BETTER".. THAN A "GROUCHY".. "20"-YEAR-OLD.. "PARKED" ON THE COUCH.. WATCHING A "KARDASHIAN"-MARATHON ON "E".. "I".. AM "SOOOO"-READY FOR "CHRISTMAS BREAK" TO BE "OVER".. SO "I".. CAN GET "BACK" TO NAPPING IN THE MAN CAVE.. WHILE WATCHING SPORTS.. MY "WIFE" HOWEVER.. IS "SAD" THAT THE KIDS ARE LEAVING.. BECAUSE "SHE'LL" BE STUCK WITH "ME".. NAPPING IN THE MAN CAVE.. WHILE WATCHING SPORTS.. (I TOLD YOU THAT SHE LOVES "TARGET" RIGHT?)..
Supermodels at Happy Hour
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 9 2013 2:24PM
SO.. MY WIFE & I.. WENT TO "HAPPY HOUR" AT "TAHOE JOE'S" LAST FRIDAY.. (WHY?.. BECAUSE "I"-KNEW.."THIS" WAS GOING TO BE A "5"-DAY WORK-WEEK).. SO.. WE'RE AT THE BAR AT "TAHOE JOES".. & IT'S "PACKED".. "DEFINITELY" AN "OLDER"-CROWD.. (YOU CAN TELL BY ALL THE HANDICAPPED PLACARDS IN THE PARKING LOT).. SO "I'M" FINISHING-OFF MY "DOUBLE-PATRON"..ON THE ROCKS.. ("BECAUSE" OF THE UPCOMING 5-DAY WORKWEEK--"NOT" BECAUSE I HAVE A "DRINKING-PROBLEM").. & THESE-"2".. "SMOKIN' HOT" SUPERMODELS WALK-"INTO" THE BAR.. (& "EVERY" GREY HEAD "IN" THE PLACE.."TURNED".. & "LOOKED".. "EVEN"..THE WOMEN.. BUT "DEFINITELY"..THE MEN).. WELL IT JUST "SO"-HAPPENS THAT THE 2-SEATS "NEXT"-TO-"ME" ARE "EMPTY".. & I SAY TO MY WIFE.. "I SURE-HOPE THOSE 2-SMOKIN' HOT SUPERMODELS SIT RIGHT HERE.. "NEXT" TO ME.. & SURE-ENOUGH.. "THEY'RE COMIN' OUR WAY!!".. & THEY WALK UP TO THE 2-EMPTY CHAIRS.. "NEXT" TO ME.. & THEY'RE STANDING THERE.. GETTING READY TO "SIT-DOWN".. "RIGHT"-NEXT TO ME.. (WHILE THEY WERE LOOKING-AWAY.. I "PATTED" THE CHAIR--AS IF TO SAY--"SIT DOWN HERE".. "ONLY" MY WIFE SAW ME DO IT.. & MY WIFE GIGGLED--NERVOUSLY--"KNOWING" THERE'S A "CHANCE".. THESE 2-SMOKIN' HOT SUPERMODELS.. WILL "WANT"-ME).. WELL OUT OF "NOWHERE".. THIS "REALLY"-OLD GUY WALKS-UP.. "WAY"-OLDER THAN "ME".. (LIKE------"BRUCE JENNER"-OLD).. & "HE" SAYS.. TO THE 2-SMOKIN' HOT SUPERMODELS.. "IS ANYONE SITTING HERE?".. (NOW IT WAS "ALL" I COULD DO.. "NOT" TO SCREAM-"YES".. "THESE 2-SMOKIN' HOT SUPERMODELS"-- BUT I "DIDN'T").. & THEY SAY.. "NO".."GO AHEAD".. & HE "SITS-DOWN".. & COUGHS-UP.. A BIG PHLEGM-BALL.. "RIGHT" NEXT TO ME.. & A "SINGLE-TEAR".. RAN DOWN MY CHEEK.. & "FELL"
INTO MY EMPTY "PATRON" GLASS..
My lucky shirt DOESN'T work :(
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 8 2013 3:11PM
SO.. I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY.. THAT MY FAVORITE COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM IS NOTRE DAME.. & MY LATE-DAD WAS A NOTRE DAME FAN.. & HOW LAST NIGHT'S "GAME".. (& THE BUILD-UP TO-IT).. WAS REMINDING ME OF "HIM".. WELL I "FORGOT" "ANOTHER" MEMORABLE NOTRE DAME "EXPERIENCE"..WITH MY DAD.. 2002.. I FLEW HIM..& MY MOM..OUT TO GO TO THE NOTRE DAME-USC GAME.. A GAME WE'D "BOTH" ALWAYS WATCHED "TOGETHER" ON T-V..WHEN I WAS GROWING-UP.. & "HE" WENT-OUT & BOUGHT "ALL" OF US.. (ME..MY WIFE..OUR 3-KIDS).. THESE "GREEN" NOTRE DAME SHIRTS.. & WE "ALL" WORE THEM TO THE GAME.. WELL.. IT WAS THE ABSOLUTE-"WORST" EXPERIENCE-"EVER".. WHEN WE GOT TO OUR SEATS.. (IN THE "MIDDLE" OF ALL THESE S-C FANS).. "LOTS" OF DIRTY-LOOKS.. & WE COULD "HEAR" THE PEOPLE "BEHIND"-US "TALKING".. (&..IT "WASN'T"-THAT-"LET'S GIVE THE NOTRE DAME FAMILY SOME "GOOD-NATURED GRIEF".. IT WAS.."LET'S "SCARE" THE "LIVING-DAYLIGHTS" OUT OF THESE RUBES FROM BAKERSFIELD..& INDIANA").. OF "COURSE".. USC "WON" THAT-NIGHT.. & AS WE'RE WALKING TO OUR CAR.. "EVERY"-INEBRIATED USC FAN.. FROM 8-TO-80.. WAS "IN" OUR FACE.. IT WAS "SCARY".. SO..I HAVEN'T WORN "THAT" T-SHIRT "MUCH" OVER THE YEARS.. WELL.. NOTRE DAME OPENED "THIS" SEASON IN DUBLIN, IRELAND.. & THE GAME STARTED AT 6AM.. ON A "SATURDAY".. SO.."I" GOT UP..TO "WATCH" THE IRISH.. & I WAS DIGGING THROUGH MY DRESSER DRAWERS..FOR SOME NOTRE DAME GEAR TO "WEAR".. (BECAUSE WHAT "I" WEAR "HELPS" MY-TEAM "WIN"-- "IT'S ONLY CRAZY IF IT "DOESN'T" WORK!).. & I CAME-ACROSS "THAT"-GREEN T-SHIRT..MY DAD HAD BOUGHT.. "10"-YEARS AGO.. & I WORE IT.. & THEY WON.. & I WORE IT FOR THE "NEXT"-GAME.. & THEY WON.. & I WORE IT FOR THE NEXT 10-GAMES.. & THEY "WON" THEM ALL.. "&".. I WORE IT LAST NIGHT.. COVERED WITH STAINS.. (SALSA..PIZZA SAUCE..CHOCOLATE).. & DOG HAIR.. (BECAUSE I "WOULDN'T" LET MY WIFE "WASH"-IT).. & NOTRE DAME "LOST".. BY "28"-POINTS.. & MY WIFE "SAYS" TO ME.. "YOU-KNOW THAT WHAT YOU'RE WEARING HAS "NO"-EFFECT ON THE OUTCOME OF THIS GAME".. KOO-KOO..KOO-KOO.. SHE'S "OBVIOUSLY" GOING THROUGH "THE-CHANGE"-- CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW "BADLY" THEY WOULD HAVE LOST IF I "HADN'T" WORN MY LUCKY SHIRT?
Remembering my dad-Go Irish!
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 7 2013 3:32PM
MY FAVORITE COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM..NOTRE DAME..PLAYS ALABAMA..FOR THE NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP TONIGHT.. I GREW-UP CATHOLIC.."IN" INDIANA.. WHICH "AUTOMATICALLY" MAKES-YOU A NOTRE DAME FAN.. "&".. MY "DAD" WAS A NOTRE DAME FAN.. SO..IT WAS "SOMETHING" MY DAD & I "ALWAYS" HAD IN COMMON.. HE TOOK-ME TO MY "1ST" NOTRE DAME GAME I WAS ABOUT 8.. & I REMEMBER-"IT".. LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY.. IT RAINED..THE "WHOLE"-GAME.. BUT.."WE" HAD OUR RAIN GEAR.. & WE WATCHED THE "WHOLE" GAME..FROM THE STANDS.. IN THE POURING-RAIN.. THE FINAL SCORE WAS SOMETHING-LIKE 7-6.. SO..IT WAS AN "EXCITING"-FINISH.. & NOTRE DAME "WON".. & I CAN REMEMBER HOW HAPPY I WAS.. & HOW "PROUD" I WAS TO "BE "WITH" MY DAD.. I WASN'T BOTHERED BY THE RAIN AT ALL.. BUT..I REMEMBER GETTING BACK TO THE CAR "AFTER" THE GAME.. & THE RIDE "BACK" TO HUNTINGTON.. & TALKING TO MY DAD ABOUT THE GAME.. & AS I GOT "OLDER".. NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL WAS THE "1"-BOND..THAT MY DAD & I "ALWAYS"-SHARED..
A SPEEDING ticket?!?
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 4 2013 3:20PM
SO.. I "TOTALED" MY DAUGHTER-COLLEEN'S "NISSAN VERSA" WHILE WE WERE IN TUCSON FOR HER BROTHER-JD'S GRADUATION ABOUT 3-WEEKS AGO.. I "MISTOOK" A GREEN-"LIGHT".. FOR A GREEN-"ARROW".. & TURNED "ACROSS" 3-LANES OF TRAFFIC.. THAT "HAD" THE RIGHT-OF-WAY.. I GOT "NAILED" ON THE PASSENGER-SIDE "REAR"-WHEEL.. & IT WAS "TOTALED".. & IT WAS "ENTIRELY" MY FAULT.. "&".. EVEN "WORSE".. I MADE "THIS" MORON-MOVE.. WITH MY "MOM" IN THE PASSENGER-SEAT.. & MY "WIFE".. & "IN-LAWS" IN THE CAR RIGHT-"BEHIND"-ME.. SO THEY "SAW" THE "WHOLE"-THING.. SO.. I WAS "EMBARRASSED".. FOR BEING "DISTRACTED" & "IMPATIENT".. "BUT".. IT "ALL" WORKED-OUT.. NO ONE WAS HURT.. & STATE FARM GAVE ME A "VERY"-NICE SETTLEMENT.. WELL..
LAST WEEK..
"I" RECEIVED A LETTER FROM THE "ARIZONA DEPT. OF TRANSPORTATION".. INFORMING-ME.. THAT "I" HAD BEEN ISSUED A "SPEEDING TICKET".. FOR GOING 57.. IN A 45.. WHILE "ALSO" IN TUCSON.. THEY HAVE THESE "MOBILE" SPEED TRAPS IN ARIZONA.. A TRAILER.. THEY SET-UP.. "ALONG" CITY STREETS.. (THEY "USED" TO PUT THEM UP ALONG THE-10.. BUT I "HAVEN'T" SEEN "THOSE" IN A FEW YEARS).. &.. "LIKE" RED-LIGHT CAMERAS.. IF YOU'RE SPEEDING.. THEY TAKE YOUR PHOTO.. WELL "MY" PHOTO CAME IN THE MAIL "LAST"-WEEK.. GOING 57 IN A 45.. "BUT".. WHAT'S "WIERD".. THERE'S "NO"-FINE ASSESSED.. SO "AGAIN".. I "MAY" HAVE DODGED A BULLET.. BUT "AGAIN".. IT'S AS "IF".. SOMEONE.. IS TELLING ME TO "SLOW"-DOWN.. "BE" MORE "PATIENT" BEHIND THE WHEEL.. IT'S LIKE A "WARNING".. IS THERE A "LESSON" TO BE LEARNED-HERE?.. "HELLO?"..
2 kids have a BAD day
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 4 2013 3:15PM
"2"-OF OUR "3"-KIDS.. FACED SOME "REAL"-LIFE "HURT".. & "FEAR" YESTERDAY.. JD.. WHO WASN'T "SUPPOSED" TO START GETTING "HIS"-TEETH KICKED-IN.. UNTIL "TOMORROW".. (WHEN HE STARTS HIS FIRST "REAL"-JOB SINCE GRADUATING COLLEGE IN DECEMBER).. HAD HIS CAR BROKEN INTO.. & MEGAN.. WHO JUST FINISHED BLOWING EVERY-PENNY SHE HAD.. "STUDYING" IN ENGLAND THIS-PAST SEMESTER.. HAD HER WISDOM TEETH PULLED.. & I FELT "BAD" FOR "BOTH" OF THEM.. BECAUSE WHEN YOUR KIDS ARE "HURT" & "AFRAID".. "YOU" WANT TO TAKE THAT "ALL" AWAY.. BUT "REALLY".. "THESE" ARE THE "CHALLENGES".. & "SET-BACKS".. THAT YOU FACE "EVERY"-DAY.. "THEY'RE" GOING TO HAVE TO FACE-THEM "TOO".. JD HAD PRETTY-MUCH "ALL" OF HIS "WORLDLY POSSESSIONS" IN THE BACK OF HIS "SUBURBAN".. PARKED OVERNIGHT.. IN TUCSON.. SOMEONE SMASHED-OUT A WINDOW.. & TOOK A "BUNCH" OF CLOTHES.. (WHICH I THINK IS "ODD").. BUT "LEFT" HIS EXPENSIVE "RAY-BAN" SUNGLASSES..
