Tony In The Morning Blog
Man! The CRAZIEST stuff happens to ME. I AM married. And, I have KIDS. And a dog. And two cats. Read about it HERE...
Posts from February 2013
Walking AND Talking
by Tony Manes
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posted Feb 26 2013 12:47PM
SO.. "AFTER"-CHURCH..ON SUNDAY.. MY WIFE "MAKES"-ME.. GO FOR A WALK.. THIS PAST WEEKEND.. WE WENT OUT TO HART PARK.. WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY "BEAUTIFUL" THIS TIME OF YEAR.. THE TREES & FLOWERS ARE STARTING TO BLOOM.. THE HILLS ARE GREEN.. "&"..IT'S "SOOOOO"-QUIET.. "JUST" THE SOUNDS OF NATURE.. WELL.... "WHILE" WE "WALK".. MY "WIFE"... LIKES TO "TALK".. NOW..WHEN "I'M" WALKING.. "I"-LIKE TO CONCENTRATE ON "WALKING".. "&" ENJOYING THE SIGHTS & SOUNDS & "QUIET" OF NATURE.. BUT ONCE WE WERE "OUT" OF THE CAR.. & WALKING ON THE PATH ALONG THE RIVER.. TALK-TALK-TALK-TALK.. "HEAR THAT WOODPECKER?".. "LOOK AT THOSE GIANT CAT-TAILS".. "ARE THOSE GUYS PLAYING FRISBEE GOLF?".. "I THINK MOLLY'S THIRSTY".. "WHERE DO ALL THE STRAY CATS COME-FROM?".. "BOY IT'S QUIET OUT-HERE".. TALK-TALK-TALK-TALK.. WELL.... "I"....WALK "FASTER" THAN MY WIFE.. & THE "MORE" SHE "TALKS".. THE "FASTER".. I--"WALKS".. NOW "USUALLY".. WHEN I GET "TOO"-FAR IN FRONT OF HER.. SHE'LL "JOG"...TO CATCH-UP.. (SHE "LIKES" THAT--BECAUSE SHE'S "HARD"-CORE--& DOESN'T THINK "WALKING"..IS SUFFICIENT "EXERCISE").. SO "HERE" SHE COMES.. "JOGGING" TO "CATCH"-UP WITH ME.. & SHE SAYS.. "YOU'RE WALKING "REALLY" FAST TODAY".. & "I"-SAY.. "JUST TRYING TO "HEAR" IF IT'S AS "QUIET" OUT HERE... AS IT'S "RUMORED" TO BE-- YOU KNOW--IN NATURE".. --- SILENCE.. WELL "NOW" I'VE DONE-IT.. SHE STARTS TO "FALL"-FARTHER & FARTHER "BACK".. & "I" SLOW-DOWN.. & SHE'S "STILL" "WAY" BACK-THERE.. SO I "STOP".. & "WAIT".. & "HERE" SHE COMES.. & "I"-SAY.. "C'MON SWEETIE.. CAN YOU "TRY" TO KEEP-UP?".. & "SHE"-SAYS.. "I DON'T WANT TO "DISTURB" YOUR "NATURE WALK"--- JUST GO AHEAD--"I'LL" BE FINE".. (NOW "I'VE" BEEN MARRIED "LONG"-ENOUGH.. TO "KNOW".. THAT IF "I" WALK AHEAD.. SHE WILL-"NOT" BE "FINE").. SO I GO "BACK".. & "GET"-HER.. & "APOLOGIZE".. & WE START WALKING "AGAIN".. & IT'S "QUIET".. THE BIRDS ARE SINGING.. & THE RIVER IS RUNNING.. IT WAS "QUIET".. --- & "FINALLY" MY WIFE SAYS.. "ISN'T IT PRETTY OUT HERE?".. "LOOK AT HOW GREEN THE HILLS ARE".. "I NEED TO STOP AT "VONS" ON THE WAY HOME".. "WHAT TIME IS THE DAYTONA 500 ON?"..
The MOST illiterate city in 'MERICA!
by Tony Manes
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posted Feb 22 2013 11:04AM
For the 2nd consecutive year, Bakersfield has been named America's "most"-illiterate city.. --------------- Apparently, the "only"-thing we read in Bakersfield is.. -The sign that shows where the buffet-line "begins"..at "Golden Corral".. ----- I guess that means we're no-longer "just"-Rednecks.. Now..we're "Never"-Read-Necks.. ----- "I", think our new City Motto should be, "Duhhhhhhh".. ----- An indication of "why" we "might"-be considered illiterate.. Another recent survey found.. that "in" Bakersfield... "books"... are "less"-popular than: -Beer.. -Tumbleweeds.. -Bunco.. -Beer Festivals.. -Frisbee Golf.. -Line Dancing.. -"&"--Charity events---- that serve Beer.. ----- Some of the cities we finished "behind"..(embarrassing).. -Pea-Brain, Minnesota -Ignoramus, Utah -Moron, Ohio -Dopey, New Mexico -Dumber than a Doorknob, Nebraska -& El Stupido, California ------------------------ Can you imagine how "mad" we'd be?.. (If we knew-how to "read" the study).. We might be offended.. If we knew what "illiterate"-meant.. (Could someone please "look-up" illiterate in that "Big Book of Words"?)..
A BAD morning
by Tony Manes
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posted Feb 21 2013 12:35PM
SO.. I GOT-OFF TO A "BAD"-START THIS MORNING.. I GET-UP.... & GO TO THE BATHROOM.. I FLUSH.. & THE TOILET WATER STARTS "RISING".. SO I GRAB THE PLUNGER.. & START "PLUNGING".. & THE WATER KEEPS "RISING".. SO I "KEEP"-"PLUNGING".. & THE WATER KEEPS "RISING" "UNTIL"... IT POURS "OVER" THE TOP.. & STARTS "SPILLING" "ALL"-OVER THE FLOOR.. & I'M STILL-"PLUNGING".. BUT "NOW"... I "ADD"-"SWEARING" TO THE MIX.. SO I'M "PLUNGING".. "&"----"SWEARING".. (A-"LOT").. & MY WIFE STUMBLES OUT OF BED & COMES "IN"-TO THE BATHROOM & SAYS.. "DID YOU TURN THE WATER OFF?".. WELL.. "BETWEEN" ALL THE WATER COMING OUT OF THE TOILET.. & "SPLASHING" ON THE FLOOR.. & MY "PLUNGING".. (& MY "SWEARING")... I "COULDN'T" HEAR HER.. SO..SHE "YELLS"-THIS TIME.. "DID YOU TURN THE WATER OFF?".. & I'M-LIKE--"THAT'S A "GOOD"-IDEA SWEETIE.. SO..I TURN THE WATER "OFF".. & THERE'S A "HUGE"-PUDDLE "AROUND" THE TOILET.. & "I'M"----"STANDING" IN-IT.. & I "NOTICE" THAT THE CUFFS OF MY PAJAMA-BOTTOMS ARE "SOAKED".. (WHICH IS GROSS-- BECAUSE "IT'S"-"TOILET"-WATER).. & "I".....START TO "GAG".. (HAVE I "MENTIONED"....THAT I HAVE A "WEAK"-STOMACH??).. SO I'M "GAGGING".. (& SWEARING).. & MY WIFE BRINGS ME SOME BEACH TOWELS.. TO "SOAK-UP".. THE WATER.. WHICH "MEANS".. I'M GETTING "TOILET WATER".. "ON" MY "HANDS".. (WHICH IS GROSS).. & "ONCE"-AGAIN.. "I START TO "GAG".. IN-"FACT".. I-"EVEN" "START" TO GET "LIGHT-HEADED".. SO I'M.. "LEANING" AGAINST THE WALL.. MY HEAD IS SPINNING.. I'M "GAGGING".. (& SWEARING).. & MY WIFE SAYS... "GET OUT OF HERE--"I'LL" CLEAN IT UP".. & SHE "SHAKES" HER HEAD.. YEAH.. "I'VE" HAD A "BAD"-MORNING..
I "BARK" at yipper dogs
by Tony Manes
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posted Feb 19 2013 12:10PM
SO.. I'VE TOLD YOU "BEFORE".. THAT WHEN I WALK.. AT THE PARK ACROSS THE STREET FROM OUR HOUSE.. THERE ARE THESE-2 "YIPPER"-DOGS.. THAT WILL RUN OUT IN THE STREET & RUN "TOWARD"-ME.. "YIPPING" THEIR LITTLE-"YIPPER"-HEADS OFF.. NOW THEY "DON'T"-SCARE ME.. BECAUSE THEY'RE "LITTLE".. & I'VE "LEARNED".. THAT IF "I" BARK-"BACK" AT THEM.. THEY'LL RUN-"AWAY".. SO "FRIDAY".. I'M WALKING AROUND THE PARK.. & "HERE"-COME THE "YIPPER"-DOGS.. "YIP-YIP-YIPPING" AT ME.. SO "I".. DO WHAT I "ALWAYS"-DO NOW.. WHEN THEY RUN-OUT "YIPPING" AT ME.. "I".........BARK "AT"-THEM.. (& IT "ISN'T" A "YIPPER"-DOG BARK- ---IT'S A "BIG"-"DEEP" "YIPPER"-DOG "EATING"-BARK-- **SFX**).. & AS "SOON" AS I "LET-OUT" MY "BIG"-"DEEP"--"YIPPER"-DOG EATING-BARK.. "BOTH" OF THE "YIPPER"-DOGS TAILS GO BETWEEN THEIR LEGS.. & THEY "RUN" FOR HOME.. WHICH "I"-THINK.. IS "PRETTY"-FUNNY.. SO.. THE "NEXT"-TIME I COME-AROUND.. THEY WERE "YIPPING" AT ME.. "BUT"..THEY "WOULDN'T"-LEAVE THEIR YARD.. WHICH MADE ME LAUGH.. SO.. I "TURNED".. & LET OUT "ANOTHER".."BIG"-"DEEP" "YIPPER" DOG-EATING BARK-- ("JUST" TO LET 'EM KNOW "WHO" THE "REALLY" BIG-DOG "IN" THE NEIGHBORHOOD-"IS").. & "BOTH" OF THEM.. TUCKED THEIR TAILS.. & "HEADED" FOR THE FRONT-DOOR.. "&"..... "JUST"-BECAUSE I WAS HAVING "SUCH" A GOOD-TIME.. I LET-OUT "1"-MORE.. "BIG"-"DEEP".."YIPPER" DOG-EATING BARK.. & I CHUCKLED.. & WALKED RIGHT "IN"-TO.. A "PARKED"-CAR.. THAT "WASN'T" PARKED-THERE.. ON MY "PREVIOUS"-LAP.. (& I SWEAR.. I HEARD THE "YIPPER" DOGS "LAUGHING")..
Embarrassing the neighbor kids
by Tony Manes
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posted Feb 16 2013 10:49AM
SO.. WHEN OUR KIDS WERE YOUNG.. "EMBARRASSING"-THEM.. WAS "1"--OF THE HIGHLIGHTS OF MY LIFE.. I "ALWAYS"-FELT.. THAT "EMBARRASSING"-THEM WAS "MY"-JOB.. (RIGHT UP THERE WITH BEING A GOOD FATHER & A GOOD HUSBAND).. WELL YESTERDAY.. I WAS IN "VONS".. ("ALONG" WITH "EVERY"-OTHER HUSBAND IN BAKERSFIELD).. PUTTING "GREAT-THOUGHT" INTO MY WIFE'S... VALENTINES GIFT.. SO I HAVE MY CARD.. & MY FLOWERS.. & I GET TO THE CHECK-OUT LINE.. WHICH HAS BEEN "RE-NAMED" "LOVERS LANE".. THERE WAS-"EVEN" A BIG SIGN.. WHICH "I"-THOUGHT WAS KIND OF CUTE.. & "I".. WANTED A "PICTURE" IN "FRONT" OF THAT SIGN.. WELL AT "THAT"-MOMENT.. 2-KIDS FROM OUR NEIGHBORHOOD.. LINDSAY & PATRICK SCHROEDER WALK-UP.. (LINDSEY IS MY DAUGHTER COLLEEN'S-AGE... & PATRICK IS A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL.. I'VE KNOWN-THEM FOR-"EVER").. WELL "I"-SAY.. "LET'S GET A PICTURE IN FRONT OF THE SIGN TOGETHER".. & THEY'RE LIKE--"UH......SURE.....UH... "THAT"-SOUNDS LIKE..UH.....FUN".. SO WE POSE.. & I PAY FOR MY "THOUGHTFUL"-GIFTS & LEAVE.. & "THEN".. (BECAUSE IT'S KIND OF "FUNNY").. I "TEXT" THE PICTURE.. TO "MY"-KIDS.. & COLLEEN TEXTS-"BACK".. "UH-OH..WHAT DID YOU DO TO EMBARRASS THEM?".. & I TEXT.. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?".. & "SHE"-WRITES.. "BOTH" OF THEIR FACES ARE "BRIGHT"-RED.. & I-LOOKED "CLOSER".. & "SURE"-ENOUGH.. RED AS "STOP SIGNS".. & I "CHUCKLED".. & I THOUGHT.. SINCE "MY"-KIDS AREN'T AROUND TO "EMBARRASS" RIGHT-NOW.. "I".. FOUND SOME "NEIGHBOR"-KIDS TO "EMBARRASS".. IT'S "JUST" TOO-MUCH FUN.. "ESPECIALLY" WHEN THEY'RE "TEENAGERS"..
"TEENAGERS" GET "SO"-EMBARRASSED..
My wife's BRAS are DANGEROUS
by Tony Manes
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posted Feb 15 2013 10:24AM
SO.. OUR DOG MOLLY.. SLEEPS "IN"-BED WITH "US".. (SINCE THE KIDS AREN'T HOME ANY-MORE..."SHE"..HAS BECOME OUR "CHILD").. & WHEN "MY" ALARM GOES-OFF IN THE MORNING.. MOLLY IS "RIGHT"-THERE.. SLEEPING "BETWEEN"-US.. WELL.."YESTERDAY"-MORNING.. WHEN I GOT UP.. SHE "WASN'T" IN BED.. WHICH IS "ODD".. BECAUSE "SHE"... DOESN'T LIKE TO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR... ANY-MORE THAN "I"-DO.. NOW..WHEN I GET "UP".. I DON'T TURN ON ANY LIGHTS.. (BECAUSE IF I "DO".. I "MIGHT" WAKE MY WIFE... & "THEN"..THERE WOULD BE HELL TO PAY).. SO I DON'T "DARE"... TURN ON ANY LIGHTS.. "UNTIL" I GET "IN"- TO THE BATHROOM.. WHERE I "CLOSE" THE DOOR.. & FLIP-ON... THE CLOSET LIGHT.. NOW THE "ONLY"-REASON I TURN ON A LIGHT AT "ALL".. IS SO I DON'T "TRIP"... ON THE "BRAS".. THAT MY WIFE HAS "HANGING" FROM THE HAMPER... "IN" THE CLOSET.. (I'VE MENTIONED "BEFORE".. "SOMETIMES" THEY'LL GET "TANGLED".. AROUND MY FOOT.. & "TRIP"-ME).. WELL.. YESTERDAY MORNING.. WHEN I FLIPPED-"ON" THE CLOSET LIGHT.. & "THERE"..WAS MOLLY.. "NEXT" TO THE HAMPER.. WITH A BRA-STRAP WRAPPED-"AROUND" HER MID-SECTION.. "&"..HER CHEST.. SHE WAS "TRYING" TO GET "OUT" OF THE CLOSET.. & SHE CAME "TOWARD"-ME.. BUT SHE COULD ONLY TAKE A STEP OR-2.. UNTIL THE "ELASTIC".. IN THE BRA-STRAPS.. WOULD PULL HER "BACK" TO THE HAMPER.. IT WAS PRETTY-FUNNY.. BUT "ALSO"..."FRIGHTENING".. I MEAN "JUST"-THINK...IF "SHE" HAD BEEN HOME "ALONE".. SHE MIGHT HAVE-HAD TO CHEW A LEG-OFF..TO "FREE"-HERSELF.. (I HOPE IT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO "ME".. WHEN "I'M" HOME "ALONE")..
Cutie checking me out!
by Tony Manes
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posted Feb 12 2013 12:08PM
SO.. I'M IN THE "EXPRESS LINE" AT "VONS".. ("I".. HAVE "1"-ITEM.............. A 6-PACK OF "DIET PEPSI"... MY WIFE ASKED ME TO "PICK-UP".. ON MY WAY HOME).. IN "FRONT" OF ME.. IS THIS............. "ATTRACTIVE"-WOMAN.. (PROBABLY MID-30'S).. "&"..... WHEN I GET IN LINE "BEHIND"-HER.. "SHE" TURNS "AROUND".. & "LOOKS" AT ME.. (I MEAN LIKE-"OBVIOUSLY" "CHECKING ME OUT").. SO "I'M" TRYING TO BE "COOL".. READING THE MAGAZINE COVERS.. ("HOW TO DRIVE YOUR MAN CRAZY IN BED"...... "BILL CLINTON HAD A LOVE-CHILD WITH AN ALIEN)....... & SHE TURNS AROUND & CHECKS ME OUT "AGAIN".. & "I'M" THINKING.. THESE "LEVI'S" I'M WEARING.. "DO" FIT-NICE.. ("&"......IN "ALL" THE RIGHT PLACES).. & SHE TURNS AROUND..... & CHECKS ME OUT "AGAIN".. & "THEN".. SHE GRABS THAT LITTLE-BAR.. (THAT YOU USE TO SEPARATE "YOUR"-GROCERIES.... FROM THE PERSON "BEHIND"-YOU'S GROCERIES).. & SHE PUTS IT "ON" THE CONVEYOR BELT.. SO "I".. CAN PUT MY 6-PACK OF "DIET PEPSI" DOWN.. ("NOW"... SHE IS "OBVIOUSLY" FLIRTING---BECAUSE "NO"-BODY DOES "THAT"-- "UNLESS" THEY'RE "FLIRTING" WITH YOU).. & "HONESTLY".. IT WAS "EXCITING".. THIS "VERY"-ATTRACTIVE WOMAN.. IN FRONT OF ME--IN THE "EXPRESS LANE" AT "VONS".. WHO "OBVIOUSLY"......"WANTS"-ME.. & SHE TURNS AROUND "AGAIN".. "LOOKS"..RIGHT AT ME.. & "SAYS" "MOM"... "HURRY-UP"........."I'M CHECKING-OUT".. & I TURN AROUND.. & HERE'S THIS LITTLE....GREY-HAIRED LADY.. WITH A TUB OF COTTAGE CHEESE... & SHE "EXCUSES"-HERSELF "BY"-ME.. & "JOINS" HER DAUGHTER.. IN-LINE.....
IN-FRONT OF ME..
My daughter's trying to BREAK me
by Tony Manes
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posted Feb 5 2013 12:43PM
SO.. OUR DAUGHTER MEGAN..GOES TO COLLEGE AT FORDHAM IN NYC.. & SHE'S LIVING "OFF"-CAMPUS.. IN AN APARTMENT THIS SEMESTER.. NOW YOU "PROBABLY"-KNOW.. NEW YORK IS AN "EXPENSIVE"-PLACE TO LIVE.. SHE HAS 2-ROOMMATES.. & IT'S A SMALL "3"-BEDROOM.. BUT "HER"-THIRD.. IS "ALMOST" 600-DOLLARS-A-MONTH.. I "SHOULD"-SAY "MY"-THIRD.. IS "ALMOST" 600-DOLLARS-A-MONTH.. SO.. WE WERE GOING TO "VISIT" MEGAN IN APRIL.. & "STAY"....IN THE 600-DOLLAR-A-MONTH APARTMENT.. (WE'VE ALREADY PURCHASED OUR AIRLINE TICKETS).. WELL YESTERDAY.. MEGAN INFORMED-US.. THAT HER "ROOMMATES" WOULD FEEL "UNCOMFORTABLE".. WITH "US".. STAYING IN THE "SMALL"-APARTMENT.. WELL.. A "CHEAP" HOTEL-ROOM IN NYC IS SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 250-&-300-DOLLARS... A "NIGHT".. WE "CAN'T" AFFORD "THAT".. SO NOW... WE'RE "RECONSIDERING" IF WE CAN GO AT-"ALL".. & I "HAVE" TO SAY.. I'M A "LITTLE"-FRUSTRATED.. THAT WE PLANNED THIS TRIP TO NEW YORK IN APRIL.. "COUNTING"-ON SAVING MONEY BY STAYING AT THE APARTMENT.. THAT "I"-PAY THE MONTHLY RENT ON.. BUT NOOOOOOO... WE WOULD MAKE HER ROOMMATES "UNCOMFORTABLE".. & "THEN"......... MEGAN REVEALS THAT SHE WOULD LIKE TO BRING 1 OF HER ROOMMATES "HOME".. FOR SPRING BREAK.. & SINCE HER ROOMMATE IS FROM OHIO.. & HAS NEVER "BEEN"..TO CALIFORNIA.. SHE'D LIKE TO TAKE-HER.. ON A "TOUR OF CALIFORNIA".. NOW I CAN ONLY "IMAGINE" WHAT THAT ENTAILS.. A ROUNDTRIP AIRLINE TICKET.. THE USE OF A CAR.. GAS MONEY.. (THEY "PROBABLY" WOULD PREFER TO "STAY" IN 5"-STAR HOTELS.. WHILE THEY "TOUR CALIFORNIA".. WELL....."4"-STAR..AT "LEAST").. & THEY'LL HAVE TO BE FED.. & PROBABLY NEED A "SHOPPING BUDGET".. I TOLD MY WIFE.. "WE".. SHOULD GO TO NEW YORK.. WHILE MEGAN IS "HOME" FOR SPRING BREAK.. WE "ALREADY" HAVE OUR AIRLINE TICKETS.. THE APARTMENT WILL BE EMPTY.. FOR SPRING BREAK.. & "WE".. WON'T BE "HERE".. TO PUT-UP WITH THE "INSANITY".. OF A "TOUR OF CALIFORNIA".. I SWEAR..
THAT GIRL WILL DRIVE US "STRAIGHT" INTO BANKRUPTCY..
I have ALSO used PED's
by Tony Manes
,
posted Feb 1 2013 12:04PM
SO.. THERE'S BEEN A "LOT" OF TALK ABOUT "PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS"..IN SPORTS..OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.. LANCE ARMSTRONG'S ADMISSION.. THE STORY "THIS"-WEEK.. THAT BASEBALL PLAYERS ARE STILL-"USING".. "&".."EVEN" AT THE SUPER BOWL.. WHERE RAVENS LINEBACKER RAY LEWIS HAS BEEN LINKED TO STEROIDS. WELL............."I" FEEL "COMPELLED".. TO "ADMIT".. THAT "I".. HAVE "ALSO"-BEEN USING "PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS".. DURING MY "ENTIRE" RADIO CAREER.. ----- LOOK.. I'M INVOLVED IN A "VERY".. CUT-THROAT...COMPETITIVE.. BUSINESS.. (& I'M "NOT" TALKING-ABOUT MY TAMALE STAND AT THE SWAP MEET).. I'M TALKING ABOUT "RADIO".. I "NEED".."EVERY"-EDGE I CAN GET.. ----------------------------- (#1) MY "USE" OF "PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS"-"BEGAN".. WITH MY "1ST" JOB "IN"-RADIO.. WORKING THE "OVERNIGHT"-SHIFT.. I WAS IN MY 20'S.. SO..I WAS "USED" TO STAYING UP "LATE".. (STAYING UP "LATE" & PLAYING VIDEO GAMES---- BUT "NOT"--STAYING UP "LATE & "WORKING")... SO THIS "OLDER"-GUY TOLD ME ABOUT "HERSHEY" BARS & "MOUNTAIN DEW".. NOW "I".. HAD "EXPERIENCED" "HERSHEY" BARS & "MOUNTAIN DEW"-"BEFORE".. "BUT"...NEVER- AT THE "SAME"-TIME.. "WOW".. TALK ABOUT "ENHANCING" MY "PERFORMANCE".. I FOUND THAT I COULD WORK AN "ENTIRE" OVERNIGHT SHIFT.. ("6"-"FULL" HOURS..... WITH 2-BREAKS & A-LUNCH).. & "THEN"......COME-HOME.. & SPEND THE "NEXT"-6-HOURS... PLAYING "VIDEO GAMES" ----------------------------- (#2) SO....THIS MORNING..I AM CHRONICLING "MY" LONG-TIME USE OF "PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS".. IN MY LATE-20'S.........I WAS PROMOTED TO THE 5-TO-MIDNIGHT SHIFT.. & I "LOVED" "DISCO-DANCING".. I WOULD "WORK" MY 7-HOUR SHIFT.. & "THEN".... "I'D" HEAD OVER TO THE "DISCO".. "WHERE".. I LEARNED ABOUT A "MAGIC"-POWDER.. THAT KEEPS YOU "AWAKE" FOR "DAYS".. "KOOL AID".. NOW THE DIRECTIONS "ON" THE CAN "CLEARLY" CALL FOR "4" SCOOPS- PER-GALLON.. BUT "I" GOT TO WHERE "I" WAS "POURING" 5--6--7-- "EVEN"-"8" SCOOPS.. "IN" TO THAT PITCHER.. "JUST"....TO-"STAY" "COMPETITIVE".. (THERE WAS "BARELY"-ROOM FOR "WATER").. & WHILE I ACHIEVED "GREAT" PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS.. I ALSO HAD A "LOT" OF PIMPLES.. & A BAD-CASE OF "SCOOPERS-ELBOW".. ------------------------ (#3) SO "YES".. "I".. AM "ALSO" GUILTY OF USING "PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS".. (IT FEELS "SO"-GOOD...TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST).. THE "NEXT"-"PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUG" I WAS INTRODUCED TO WAS "ROGAINE".. I WAS IN MY 30'S...& BEGINNING TO LOSE MY HAIR.. WELL I WAS "ALSO" WORKING ON MY "1ST"-MORNING SHOW.. NOW.....IF YOU'RE "IN" YOUR 30'S.. & YOU'RE DOING A MORNING SHOW.. "WOMEN"...."LITERALLY".. "THROW"-THEMSELVES AT YOU.. AS "LONG".... AS YOU'RE "NOT"-BALD.. YOU CAN "BE"-FAT.. BUT "NOT"-BALD.. SO "THAT" IS WHEN I STARTED "ENHANCING MY PERFORMANCE" (wink-wink).. WITH "ROGAINE".. (I GOT INVITED TO A "TON" OF "SADIE HAWKINS" DANCES).. BUT "AGAIN".... THERE "WAS" A "DOWNSIDE" TO MY "ROGAINE"-USE.. HAIR STARTED GROWING OUT OF MY "EARS" MY "NOSE"... "&" I "GREW" A "UNI-BROW".. ------------------------- (#4) SO..I'VE BEEN SHARING WITH "YOU".. "MY"-USE OF "PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS" OVER THE COURSE OF MY RADIO CAREER.. IT "STARTED" WITH "HERSHEY" BARS & "MOUNTAIN DEW".. PROGRESSED TO "KOOL AID".. & THEN-"ROGAINE".. & "THEN".. I MOVED TO BAKERSFIELD.. WHERE I WAS "INTRODUCED" TO THE "KING".. OF "ALL"-"PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS"-- "ALCOHOL".. IT MAKES YOU MORE-"GREGARIOUS".. "FUNNY".. "LESS"-"DISCRIMINATING".. "&".........A "GREAT"-"DANCER".. I "USED"..TO DRINK COFFEE--- "BLACK".. "THEN"....... I STARTED "ADDING" A "LITTLE"-"BOURBON".. "THEN"....... A "LITTLE"-"MORE"-"BOURBON".. "NOW".. IT'S "ALL"-"BOURBON".. "I".... HAVE REACHED "FULL"-ENHANCEMENT.. (WINK-WINK).. & "LOOK" AT MY "SUCCESS".. THE "17TH"-RANKED MORNING SHOW.. IN AMERICA'S 78TH-BIGGEST MARKET.. (sigh).. THE BOURBON "ALSO" HELPS "DROWN THE SORROW"
