Tony In The Morning Blog
Man! The CRAZIEST stuff happens to ME. I AM married. And, I have KIDS. And a dog. And two cats. Read about it HERE...
by Tony Manes
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posted May 24 2013 2:34PM
SO.. "TOMORROW" MY WIFE & I CELEBRATE OUR "12TH"-ANNIVERSARY.. ("12"-"LOOOOOONG"-YEARS).. I-"MEAN"-"12"-YEARS OF "WEDDED BLISS".. MY WIFE "IS" A "HAAAAND-FUL".. SHE "EATS"-STUFF LIKE "BEETS" & "KALE"..& "ALMOND BUTTER".. & SHE THINKS IT'S "FUN" TO "RUN"----LIKE "5"-MILES??.. (WITH "NO"-ONE "CHASING"-HER).. & SHE LIKES TO HANG HER BRA'S.. "ON" THE HAMPER.. FOR "ME" TO TRIP-OVER.. & THE CHECK-OUT GIRLS AT "TARGET" KNOW-HER BY-HER "FIRST"-NAME.. BACK IN 2001.. I WAS LIVING IN A 1-BEDROOM APARTMENT.. EATING MACARONI & CHEESE OUT OF A BOX.. WEARING A "MULLET".. & "SHE"-THOUGHT.. "WELL HE "LOOKS" LIKE "PRINCE CHARMING".. (WITH THE "MULLET"-&-ALL).. SO WE GOT MARRIED ON A HOT MEMORIAL DAY WEEKEND.. IN "THE GREAT CITY OF BAKERSFIELD" & SHE "GAVE"-ME "3" AMAZING "KIDS".. WHO "BECAME" THE "CENTER" OF "MY"-LIFE.. & "WE" "RAISED"-THEM.. & "NOW".. I'M STARTING TO "SEE".. "ME".. "IN" THOSE-KIDS.. TRUTHFULLY.. "SHE'S"-THE-ONE..WHO PUTS-UP WITH "ME".. "I" AM A "HANDFUL".. I'M "PICKY".. & "GROUCHY".. & I HAVE SALMA HAYEK POSTERS ON THE WALLS OF MY MAN CAVE.. BUT "SHE" MAKES ME LUNCH & DINNER "EVERY"-DAY.. DOES MY LAUNDRY.. "WATCHES" MY FAVORITE SPORTS TEAMS-PLAY.. THINKS I'M "GOOD-LOOKING".. THINKS I'M-"FUNNY".. "&".. SHE THINKS I'M A "GOOD-DANCER".. (NOW "I"-KNOW I'M A "HORRIBLE"-DANCER--- "I'D" BE-"EMBARRASSED" TO DANCE WITH-"ME").. BUT "THAT" TELLS-YOU HOW-MUCH SHE "LOVES"-ME.. & I-"KNOW" I'M A LUCKY-GUY.. I THINK I'LL TAKE HER "DANCING" TOMORROW-NIGHT..
by Tony Manes
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posted May 23 2013 3:10PM
SO.. OVER THE WEEKEND.. MY WIFE & I "DISCOVERED" "ANOTHER".... "FUN"...... 'DALE.. "SCOTTS"-DALE, AZ.. IT'S A SUBURB OF PHOENIX.. (OUR "OLDEST"-&-"YOUNGEST"-ARE LIVING IN PHOENIX THIS SUMMER).. & "SCOTTS"-DALE.. & "OIL"-DALE.. HAVE A "LOT" OF "SIMILARITIES".. "BOTH" HAVE AN "ACTIVE"-NIGHTLIFE.. WITH-"MANY" "INTERESTING" RESTAURANTS & BARS.. ("SCOTTS"-DALE "DOES"-HAVE "WAY"-FEWER "HYDROPONIC"-SHOPS & "COLLECTIVES" THAN "OIL"-DALE).. &-"LIKE" "OIL"-DALE.. YOU CAN "WALK" FROM 1-FUN-"PLACE"- TO-ANOTHER.. ("CARLA'S DRIVE-IN" TO THE "LONG BRANCH".. TO "TROUTS" TO "DER WIENERSCHNITZEL") ("I" HAD "SUCH" A GOOD-TIME SATURDAY NIGHT IN "SCOTTS"-DALE.. THAT I OPENED A TAB AT THIS ONE-PLACE.. & HAD TO GO BACK THE "NEXT"-DAY TO GET MY CREDIT CARD).. WHICH "CO-INCIDENTALLY" IS THE "SAME"-THING THAT HAPPENED THE "LAST"-TIME I SPENT A SATURDAY NIGHT IN "OIL"-DALE.. SO "I'D"-RANK "SCOTTS"-DALE.. AS MY-"2ND"-ALL-TIME FAVORITE "'DALE".. NOW "BEFORE" "ALL"-THAT-"FUN" MY WIFE & I WENT-OUT TO DINNER "WITH" OUR OLDEST-JD.. (THE "TOBACCO SALESMAN").. "OR" AS I-"ALSO" LIKE TO CALL HIM-- THE "MERCHANT OF DEATH").. & "HE".. (AT 22-YEARS-OLD).. HAS TURNED "IN"- TO THIS "COMPLETE" HEALTH-FREAK.. (WORKING-OUT "ALL"-THE-TIME.. WATCHING WHAT HE EATS).. WHILE "I"-ORDERED THESE "REALLY"-YUMMY LOBSTER & FILET "TACOS".. (IF YOU "SEE" LOBSTER & FILET TACOS ON THE MENU.. YOU-"ORDER" LOBSTER & FILET TACOS).. "JD".. ORDERED A "SALAD".. ISN'T IT "INTERESTING" THAT THE "MERCHANT OF DEATH".. PREFERS "SALAD"..
by Tony Manes
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posted May 21 2013 4:57PM
SO.. "2".. OF OUR-"3"-KIDS.. ARE LIVING IN PHOENIX "NOW".. JD--THE "TOBACCO SALESMAN" (OR...AS I-"ALSO" LIKE TO CALL-HIM--"THE MERCHANT OF DEATH).. HAS BEEN LIVING IN PHOENIX SINCE "GRADUATING".. & BECOMING-"EMPLOYED".. IN JANUARY.. & THIS-"PAST"-WEEKEND.. WE MOVED OUR "YOUNGEST"-- COLLEEN-"IN".. (SHE IS "INTERNING" WITH "LIBERTY MUTUAL" INSURANCE COMPANY.. & IT'S-"FUNNY" BECAUSE MY-"FEELINGS" ABOUT THE "2"-OF-THEM ARE "DIAMETRICALLY"-DIFFERENT.. NOW THE "TOBACCO SALESMAN".. HAS THE "WORLD BY THE TAIL".. A GOOD-JOB.. WITH A GOOD-COMPANY.. MAKING GOOD-MONEY.. WITH A COMPANY CAR.. A NICE..CUTE..GIRLFRIEND.. LIVING IN "VERY"-TRENDY SCOTTSDALE.. (WHICH IS A "WAAAAY"-FUN CITY).. & I-"THINK" "HE"-KNOWS THAT "HIS"-LIFE IS "PRETTY"-GOOD (BUT...HE-IS "ONLY"-22.. SO "HOW"-COULD HE-"REALLY" KNOW-THAT??).. BUT.. WHEN IT COMES TO COLLEEN.. I "WORRY"-MORE.. (SHE-"IS"..."MY LITTLE GIRL" AFTER-ALL).. I MEAN I FEEL-"GOOD" ABOUT "WHERE" SHE-LIVES.. & "WHO" SHE-LIVES-"WITH".. (WE CHECKED "ALL"-THAT OUT.. & BOUGHT HER A BED.. & SOME GROCERIES).. & I'M "CONFIDENT" IN "HER".. (SHE'S A HARD-WORKER.. & SHE'S A GOOD-PERSON.. & SHE HAS A "GREAT"-PERSONALITY).. IT'S-"FUNNY" I "COULDN'T"-WAIT.. FOR THE "MERCHANT OF DEATH" TO GET-"OUT" OF COLLEGE.. (& "GET"-A-"JOB".. & GET-"OFF" THE PAYROLL).. BUT-"NOW".. AS COLLEEN GETS-CLOSER TO DOING THE "SAME"-THING.. I'M "MORE"-APPREHENSIVE.. & I'M NOT-SURE IF IT'S BECAUSE I "WORRY"-MORE.. ABOUT COLLEEN.. OR IF IT'S BECAUSE.. I'M-"WORRIED" THAT ANOTHER-"CHAPTER".. IS "FLYING"-BY..
by Tony Manes
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posted May 17 2013 2:16PM
THE "MONTE CARLO".. IT'S-THIS "RANDOM"-BAR.. IN THE MIDDLE-OF-NOWHERE.. AT THE CORNER OF TAFT HIGHWAY & OLD RIVER ROAD.. A FRIEND..WHO "GREW-UP" HERE.. TOOK ME THERE..ABOUT 15-YEARS-AGO.. YOU MIGHT NOT "NOTICE"-IT BECAUSE IT "LOOKS"..... LIKE A "HOUSE".. WELL WEDNESDAY NIGHT.. MY WIFE & DAUGHTERS WERE GOING TO DINNER AT "EL PUEBLO" IN LAMONT.. & WE DRIVE RIGHT-"BY" THE "MONTE CARLO".. & SINCE MEGAN JUST TURNED-21 LAST MONTH.. WE-"HAVE"..TO TAKE-HER TO THE "MONTE CARLO".. SO WE GO-"IN".. & "3" OF US.. ORDER A BEER..& A SHOT.. (COLLEEN ISN'T 21-YET).. & WE'RE DRINKING OUR BEER & OUR SHOT.. & TALKING.......& LAUGHING.. & THE JUKEBOX IS PLAYING.. & THE BARTENDER IS TAKING PICTURES OF US..(FOR FACEBOOK).. & A "GUY".. "NEXT"-TO-ME.. AT THE BAR.. "PUSHES" A "BIIIIIG"-STACK OF DOLLAR BILLS MY WAY.. "URGING"-ME..(& THE GIRLS).. TO PLAY-WHATEVER SONGS "WE"-LIKE..ON THE JUKEBOX.. SO I-START TALKING TO HIM ABOUT "MY GIRLS"... & CELEBRATING MEGAN'S BIRTHDAY.. & HE "SEEMED" TO BE GENUINELY-"INTERESTED".. & "HAPPY".. THAT "I" WAS HAVING SUCH A "GREAT"-TIME BEING-"WITH".."MY GIRLS".. SO I "TRIED" TO BUY "HIM" A DRINK.. "BUT"..HE "REFUSED".. & ASKED ME "NOT" TO "INSULT"-HIM.. (HE SAID HE WAS "PAYING IT FORWARD").. & "THEN".. (& "THIS"-IS "WIERD").. HE CALLS-ME "TONY".. & I SAY.. "HOW DID YOU KNOW MY NAME?" & "HE" JUST "IGNORED" THE QUESTION... & CONTINUED TALKING.. (FREEEEE-KEY).. SO.. WE "FINISH"..OUR BEER & SHOT.... & LEAVE.. & MEGAN SAYS.. "HOW DID THAT GUY KNOW YOUR NAME?".. ("SHE"..HEARD-IT "TOO").. (FREEEEE-KEY).. & "MY WIFE" SAYS.. "YOU REALIZE THE LAST-TIME YOU WERE "AT" THE "MONTE CARLO".. WAS THE LAST-TIME YOUR "DAD" CAME TO BAKERSFIELD.. "BEFORE" HE DIED?".. IT WAS ON MY 40TH BIRTHDAY.. & MY DAD & I WERE DRIVING-BACK FROM PLAYING GOLF AT BUENA VISTA.. & WE "STOPPED" AT THE "MONTE CARLO".. & "HAD" A BEER....& A SHOT.. I HAD "COMPLETELY"-FORGOTTEN.. (I HAD "SO"-MUCH FUN WITH MY DAD "THAT"-DAY)... & THE HAIR ON MY ARMS STOOD-UP.. & I GOT A TEAR..IN MY EYE.. (DO YOU THINK MY DAD HAS-BEEN "WAITING" FOR THE PAST-"4" YEARS FOR "ME" TO "SHOW-UP" AT THE "MONTE CARLO"?)..
by Tony Manes
,
posted May 15 2013 1:55PM
SO.. I MENTIONED THAT OUR DAUGHTERS--MEGAN & COLLEEN ARE "HOME" THIS WEEK BEFORE HEADING-"BACK" TO NEW YORK & PHOENIX FOR THE SUMMER.. NOW THAT THEY'RE "IN"-COLLEGE.. (& "FAR" FROM HOME).. THEY DON'T GET BACK-TO-BAKO THAT-MUCH.. & "WHEN" THEY-DO WE LIKE TO TAKE-THEM TO THEIR FAVORITE-RESTAURANTS.. COLLEEN WAS HOME-1ST.. & HER "CHOICE" IS "ALWAYS"-"JAKE'S TEX-MEX".. FOR A TACO SALAD.. & A "GIANT"-SLICE OF THE "BEST" CAKE IN TOWN.. NOW MEGAN.. CAME-HOME MONDAY NIGHT.. & THE "1ST"-RESTAURANT "SHE" WANTED TO GO-TO WAS "EL PUEBLO" IN LAMONT.. WHEN THE KIDS WERE GROWING-UP WE USED TO GO TO "EL PUEBLO" A-LOT.. (IT'S JUST A "FUN"-PLACE).. "MAYBE"-BECAUSE THEY'RE "ALWAYS" COMING-BY WITH THE SANGRIA-BOTTLE.. (& I'M "NOT"-GOOD WITH PEER-PRESSURE-ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S A RESTAURANT-SERVER-- SO I-"DRINK" THE SANGRIA).. ONE-TIME.. WE WENT-THERE IN A LIMO FOR MY BIRTHDAY.. & THEY "SERVED"-ME A MARGARITA THE SIZE OF A "LARGE" DAIRY COW.. (I "DRANK"-IT.. MY-WIFE "DRANK"-IT.. THE "6"-PEOPLE AT THE TABLE "NEXT"-TO-US "DRANK"-IT.. I-DRANK SOME-"MORE".. & "THEN" I CURLED-UP "INSIDE" OF IT & TOOK A NAP).. MEGAN DIDN'T-CARE ABOUT THE "BEST CAKE IN TOWN".. "SHE"-WANTED A MARGARITA THE SIZE OF LAMONT'S PUBLIC SWIMMING POOL.. HAVE I MENTIONED THAT MEGAN.. TURNED "21" LAST-MONTH?..
by Tony Manes
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posted May 14 2013 2:38PM
SO.. "I".. "LIKE" OLD-MOVIES.. "HOW-EVER".. MY WIFE.. "HATES" "OLD MOVIES".. IF IT WAS SHOT IN "BLACK & WHITE" SHE "REFUSES" TO WATCH.. ("EVEN"- IF "JOHN WAYNE" IS IN-IT).. WELL.. "TURNER CLASSIC MOVIES" WAS SHOWING "THE GREAT GATSBY"-- (THE 1974-VERSION WITH ROBERT REDFORD.. MIA FARROW.. & A "YOUNG" SAM WATERSON--(FROM "LAW & ORDER"-FAME).. (THE 1974 MOVIE "IS" IN-"COLOR"). & SINCE I'VE NEVER SEEN-IT.. & THE "NEW"-VERSION WITH LEONARDO DICAPRIO WAS COMING OUT.. I RECORDED-IT.. & WHEN I TOLD MY WIFE.. SHE...WAS ACTUALLY-"EXCITED".. SHE SAID-SHE'D SEEN IT WHEN SHE WAS A KID.. & "ABSOLUTELY-LOOOOOVED"-IT.. "&".. THAT ROBERT REDFORD WAS "SOOOO" GOOD-LOOKING.. SHE SAID IT WAS "1" OF HER "FAVORITE"-MOVIES.. SO..WE WATCH-IT.. (NOW I'M "NOT"-SURE IF I'VE MENTIONED "THIS"-BEFORE).. BUT MY WIFE.. CAN-"NOT" KEEP A SECRET.. SO... AS-"SOON" AS THE MOVIE STARTS.. SHE-"STARTS" TELLING-"ME" "WHAT'S" GOING TO HAPPEN- "NEXT".. (NOW I'M "NOT"-SURE IF "YOU'VE"-EVER "WATCHED" A MOVIE WITH SOMEONE LIKE-"THAT"?? SOMEONE WHO'S "SEEN" THE-MOVIE.. & "LOVED" THE MOVIE.. & "CAN'T"-WAIT TO "SHARE"-IT "WITH"-YOU??).. SO MY WIFE CAN'T STOP-HERSELF.. FROM "BLURTING-OUT".. (I'M SORRY.. "FROM SWEETLY SAYING").. WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN "NEXT" "EXCEPT".. SHE WAS "ALWAYS"-WRONG.. & "AFTER" ABOUT THE 3RD-OR-4TH-TIME... OF HER "BEING"-WRONG.. "I"-SAY.. "IF YOU'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE-- HOW IS-IT THAT YOU HAVE "NO"-CLUE WHAT'S GOING-ON?".. & "SHE"-SAID.. "THIS".. MUST-BE A "DIFFERENT-VERSION"..
by Tony Manes
,
posted May 10 2013 2:38PM
SO.. DON'T WE-"ALL".. (KIND-OF)......."WANT" OUR KIDS TO TURN-OUT LIKE US?.. (I-MEAN THE "GOOD"-PARTS OF US.. THE PARTS THAT TAUGHT THEM TO PRACTICE "THE GOLDEN RULE".. "NOT" THE PART THAT WATCHES "HERE COMES HONEY BOO BOO" OR SECRETLY.. WANTS TO RUN-OFF WITH SALMA HAYEK).. PARENTING REQUIRES "SUCH"-PATIENCE.. (BECAUSE "THE PAYOFF"-- IS A "LOOONG"-TIME COMING).. KIDS GROW-UP.. & BY JUNIOR HIGH THEY START TO "REBEL" AGAINST-"US".. & IT "CONTINUES".. THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL.. & THROUGH COLLEGE.. THEY "TRY".. (AS "HARD" AS THEY CAN).. "NOT"..... TO BE LIKE "US".. ("I" TRIED-----"REEEEALY"-HARD.. & ENDED-UP "JUST"-LIKE MY DAD).. & "THEN".. YOU "FIIIIIINALLY" SEE A "CRACK".. COLLEEN--OUR YOUNGEST--IS HOME FOR A FEW-DAYS BEFORE HEADING TO PHOENIX FOR A SUMMER INTERNSHIP AT AN INSURANCE COMPANY.. OVER SPRING BREAK.. SHE BROUGHT HER 2-ROOMMATES.. & HER BOYFRIEND.. TO BAKERSFIELD.. & WE GOT TO SPEND A-"LOT" OF TIME WITH THEM.. WELL "LAST"-NIGHT.. COLLEEN SAYS TO ME.. "ALL" MY FRIENDS SAY THEY "SEE" WHERE "I"-GET MY SENSE OF HUMOR-FROM.. (I "ALMOST" TOPPLED-OVER FROM ALL THE "PRIDE"-INSIDE).. I MEAN I'M "OBVIOUSLY"-FUNNY.. (DUHHHHHHH)... & "COLLEEN" IS "OBVIOUSLY"-FUNNY.. (SHE MAKES "ME"-LAUGH).. BUT TO "HEAR" THOSE-WORDS.. COME-"OUT" OF "MY LITTLE GIRL'S" MOUTH.. (WELL I WISH I WOULD'VE HAD MY "I-PHONE VOICE-RECORDER"-- RECORDING.. SO I COULD PLAY IT FOR YOU THIS MORNING).. "&"... WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR LIKE-"MINE"... THOSE INSURANCE-PEOPLE IN PHOENIX.. ARE GOING TO "LOVE"-COLLEEN THIS SUMMER..
by Tony Manes
,
posted May 7 2013 2:47PM
SO.. "LAST"-SUMMER.. "2"-OF-OUR-"3"-KIDS WERE "HOME".. "THIS"-SUMMER.. FOR THE "1ST"-TIME SINCE "ALL"-3 WENT-OFF TO COLLEGE.. "NONE"-OF-THEM WILL BE HOME.. JD IS "OUT" OF SCHOOL.. SELLING TOBACCO IN PHOENIX.. (I GET A "LUMP" IN MY THROAT "EVERY"-TIME I SAY-"THAT".. HE'S "JUST"-LIKE SIR WALTER RALIEGH.. "PLUS"..HE'S "EMPLOYED".. & "OFF" "MY"-PAYROLL (I'M GETTING "CHOKED-UP").. "MEGAN".. GOT A JOB ON-CAMPUS AT FORDHAM.. SO "SHE'S"-SPENDING THE SUMMER IN NEW YORK CITY.. BUT SUMMER IN "NEW YORK CITY"??.. & "COLLEEN".. WHO JUST FINISHED HER SOPHOMORE YEAR AT THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA.. (BEING THE "NERD" SHE-IS).. HAS A SUMMER-INTERNSHIP AT AN "INSURANCE COMPANY"
IN PHOENIX..
1-DAY "LAST"-SUMMER.. IT HAD BEEN A LOOOOOONG... HARD.. DAY.. BUSY-BUSY-BUSY.. MEETINGS.. PHONE CONSTANTLY-RINGING.. CONSTANT-TEXTS.. UPDATING MY FACEBOOK PAGE.. SURFING FOR PICTURES OF SALMA HAYEK ON THE INTERNET.. HECTIC-HECTIC-HECTIC.. SO I "FINALLY" MAKE IT HOME.. & I'M "WALKING" AROUND OUR PARK.. LISTENING TO MY I-POD.. "RELAXING".. WHEN ALL-OF-SUDDEN.. IN A "CAR".. "RIGHT"-BEHIND ME.. (I MEAN-----"RIGHT" BEHIND ME).. SOMEONE "LAYS" ON THEIR HORN.. IT "SCARED" THE "RELAXING" "RIGHT"-OUT OF ME.. I "JUMPED" & TURNED-AROUND.. & "THERE"-SIT.. "MY 2-GIRLS".. IN THE FRONT-SEAT.. LAUGHING THEIR HEADS-OFF.. & "I".. COULDN'T-HELP BUT LAUGH-TOO.. ("THEY" GOT ME "GOOD").. & "THAT'S" WHAT I'LL "MISS" THIS-SUMMER.. THE "JOY" THEY BRING TO MY LIFE.. (AT THE-MOST "UNEXPECTED"-TIMES).. NOW....... ON THE "OPPOSITE"-SIDE OF "THAT" SPECTRUM.. YOU KNOW WHAT "ELSE" BRINGS "JOY" TO MY LIFE??.. MY "ROUTINE".. & THE TIME I SPEND IN THE MAN CAVE.. (WATCHING SPORTS.. SURFING FOR SALMA HAYEK PICTURES ON MY I-PAD.. & NAPPING).. & "HOW" THE ONLY "MESS".. WAS "CREATED" BY MY WIFE & ME.. & THE ONLY-"LIGHTS" LEFT-ON?.. (MY "WIFE").. & HOW I CAN LAY MY CAR KEYS ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER.. & THEY'RE "STILL"-THERE WHEN I COME-BACK.. I MEAN "I" HAVE A "PRETTY"-LONG LIST OF ITEMS THAT BRING-"JOY" TO MY LIFE "NOW".. (BECAUSE "I" HAVE-DONE A "PRETTY"-GOOD-JOB FILLING-"IN"-THE-SPACE THAT-"THE KIDS".. "USED" TO OCCUPY)..
by Tony Manes
,
posted May 3 2013 3:39PM
SO.. OUR YOUNGEST..COLLEEN.. LIVES IN TUCSON & GOES TO THE UNIVERSITY OF ARIZONA.. THE "LAST"-TIME "I" WAS "IN" TUCSON.. ("BACK"-IN DECEMBER).. I "TOTALED" COLLEEN'S CAR.. (IT'S A "LONG".. "INTERESTING"..STORY.. THAT I'VE TOLD-"BEFORE".. BUT "BASICALLY" "I"..WAS A MORON).. ANYWAY.. I HAD TO "BUY" COLLEEN A NEW-CAR.. & I WENT TO "MOTOR CITY BUICK-GMC".. WHERE NATALIE HIERLMEIER.. HELPED ME GET A "REALLY"-NICE.. LOW-MILEAGE.. PRE-OWNED.. "RED" "VOLKSWAGEN JETTA".. WHICH COLLEEN ABSOLUTELY "LOVES".. (& MADE "ME".. THE "COOLEST"-DAD-"EVER"---- AT-LEAST FOR A DAY-OR-2).. NOW SOON "AFTER" SHE-RETURNED TO TUCSON.. THE DASHBOARD-LIGHT.. THAT INDICATES YOU HAVE A TIRE GOING FLAT.. CAME-"ON".. (NOW "I"-BOUGHT THE "EXTENDED"-WARRANTY).. SO I TELL HER TO TAKE IT TO THE "VW" DEALERSHIP.. & "THEY" GET-IT TO TURN-"OFF".. A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER IT'S "ON"--"AGAIN".. & THEY "FIX IT"--"AGAIN".. A "WEEK"-LATER IT'S-BACK-"ON".. (& "THIS" HAS BEEN GOING-ON SINCE "FEBRUARY").. I "KNOW" COLLEEN IS GETTING FRUSTRATED.. (SPENDING "HALF" HER SOPHOMORE-YEAR IN THE "VOLKSWAGEN COURTESY LOUNGE".. & HAVING 2ND-THOUGHTS ABOUT HER DAD'S CAR-BUYING ABILITY).. & "I'M" STARTING TO "WONDER" IF I BOUGHT A CAR WITH A "DEFECT".. THAT "CAN'T" BE FIXED.. GUESS WHAT?.. THE LIGHT WAS BACK-"ON" MONDAY.. SO COLLEEN... TOOK TO THE DEALER.. WHERE "THEY" TOOK-"OFF"- "ALL"-4 TIRES.. & "SUBMERGED"-THEM IN-WATER.. (LOOKING FOR LITTLE AIR-BUBBLES).. & GUESS-WHAT THEY "FOUND"?.. A LITTLE....TINY......THORN... IN "1" OF THE TIRES.. THERE WASN'T "ANYTHING" WRONG WITH THE "SENSOR".. AS USUAL.. THE "HUMAN"-FACTOR
WAS THE PROBLEM..
by Tony Manes
,
posted Apr 30 2013 2:49PM
SO.. IT'S-LIKE AS "SOON" AS THE "HEAT"-ARRIVES IN THE SOUTHERN VALLEY.. "SO"..DO THE "SPIDERS".. ("&"..THEIR WEBS).. I WALKED-OUT THE BACK DOOR "LAST"-WEEK.. & WALKED RIGHT "IN"-TO A WEB.. (WHICH "ALWAYS" FREAKS-ME-OUT).. & OVER THE WEEKEND.. I WAS IN THE GARAGE.. & REACHED "DOWN" TO THIS BOTTOM SHELF.. & MY HAND WENT RIGHT "IN"- TO A BIG-WEB.. "BUT" THOSE "2"-EXPERIENCES WERE "NOTHING" COMPARED TO WHAT HAPPENED THIS MORNING.. I WALKED-"OUT" THE FRONT-DOOR.. (WHERE "SOMETIME" DURING THE NIGHT.. A SPIDER.. HAD ERECTED THIS "HUGE"-WEB ACROSS OUR "ENTIRE" ENTRY-WAY).. WELL I'M WALKING.. WITH MY HEAD-"DOWN".. & I WALK RIGHT-"IN"- TO THIS "ENORMOUS"-WEB.. IT "ENVELOPED" MY "WHOLE"-HEAD.. & AS I'M TRYING TO WIPE IT "AWAY" FROM MY FACE.. I "SEE".. THE SPIDER.. "ON" THE WEB.. THAT IS "ON"-ME.. "&"..HE'S HEADING "STRAIGHT" FOR MY "FACE".. (PROBABLY TO BITE-ME & "INJECT"-ME WITH VENOM FOR "MESSING"-UP HIS NEWLY-BUILT "BUG-CATCHER".. WELL "NOW" I'M "REALLY"-"REALLY"-"REALLY"- "REALLY".. FREAKED-OUT.. SO I "FLAIL" MY ARMS MORE-QUICKLY.. (TRYING TO "FREE"-MYSELF FROM "THE WEB").. & WHILE DOING-SO.. MY KEYS.. WHICH "HAD"-BEEN IN MY RIGHT-HAND.. FLEW-"OUT" OF MY RIGHT-HAND.. & "LANDED" "SOMEWHERE" IN THE FRONT-YARD.. (I "HEARD" THEM LAND.. BUT "DIDN'T" "SEE" THEM LAND).. NOW WE DON'T HAVE A "BIG"-YARD.. BUT.. "IN" THE DARK.. WITH AN I-PHONE FLASHLIGHT.. NOT-REALLY-KNOWING "WHERE" THEY LANDED.. (I WAS PRACTICALLY ON MY HANDS & KNEES).. WELL "THAT"-YARD IS "BIGGER" THAN IT "LOOKS").. IT TOOK "QUITE"-AWHILE TO "FIND" THEM.. (LIKE 15-MINUTES??).. SO.. I WAS "LATE" TO WORK.. "&".. SINCE I DIDN'T ACTUALLY "SEE" THE SPIDER "DIE".. (I SWUNG MY ARMS-- & HE "DISAPPEARED").. I'M CONSTANTLY "SEEING"-THINGS OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE.. LIKE-I "THINK" THE SPIDER IS "STILL" ON ME.. (& NOW-- I'M ALL-"ITCHY")..
by Tony Manes
,
posted Apr 30 2013 2:46PM
SO.. "MY"-BIRTHDAY WAS "LAST"-WEEKEND.. & I WAS INDIANA.. VISITING MY MOM.. SO MY WIFE "DIDN'T" GET TO "CELEBRATE" THE ANNIVERSARY OF MY "ARRIVAL" ON PLANET EARTH.. "WITH"-ME.. UNTIL I GOT BACK.. NOW THE PLAN.. WAS TO CELEBRATE FRIDAY NIGHT.. WE'D HAVE A FEW COCKTAILS.. ORDER SOME DINNER-"IN".. BLOW-OUT THE CANDLES ON MY BIRTHDAY CAKE.. & OPEN MY PRESENTS.. (BEING A "GUY" I-"LIKE" OPENING PRESENTS TO-"ME").. WELL... MY WIFE GOT ME SOME "NICE"-GIFTS.. -"MLB EXTRA INNINGS"-(WHERE I CAN WATCH "ALL" THE YANKEES GAMES).. -A NICE SHIRT.. -A BOTTLE OF PATRON.. -A CROUQUET-SET-(FOR OUR UPCOMING "POOL PARTIES").. "&" A "NASTY" CASE OF THE FLU.. WHEN MY WIFE PICKED ME UP FROM LAX LAST-WEEK.. "SHE" HAD THE FLU.. ("I" DIDN'T THINK MUCH-OF-IT.. AFTER-ALL.. I WAS JUST BACK FROM VISITING MY FAMILY.. & MY FLIGHT HAD BEEN A NIGHTMARE.. SO "I" HAD "LOTS" OF "COMPLAINING"...... I MEAN "INTERESTING" STORIES TO TELL-HER.. & "BESIDES".. SHE DIDN'T "LOOK"-"THAT" SICK).. SO.. FRIDAY MORNING.. AS "SOON" AS I FINISHED THIS SHOW.. I STARTED GETTING THE "ACHES".. & THE "CHILLS".. & FEELING "REALLY"-TIRED.. & IT WAS "ALL" I COULD DO.. TO FINISH-UP MY OFFICE WORK.. & GO HOME.. WELL... I GOT HOME ABOUT 11AM.. & I "IMMEDIATELY" CRAWLED INTO BED.. WHERE I "STAYED" ("BETWEEN" TRIPS BACK & FORTH TO THE BATHROOM).. UNTIL SATURDAY MORNING.. "THEN".. I SPENT THE "REST"-OF-SATURDAY.. "ON" THE COUCH IN THE MAN CAVE.. ("KIND"-OF-LIKE "EVERY"-SATURDAY).. SO.. MY WIFE.. WHO WAS "ANXIOUS" TO "GIVE" ME MY BIRTHDAY PRESENTS.. GAVE ME MY MOST-"MEMORABLE" GIFT.. A NASTY CASE OF THE FLU.. (& I HAVEN'T HAD THE FLU IN LIKE-20 YEARS)..
