SO..
THERE'S BEEN A "LOT" OF TALK ABOUT "PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS"..IN
SPORTS..OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS..
LANCE ARMSTRONG'S ADMISSION..
THE STORY "THIS"-WEEK..
THAT BASEBALL PLAYERS ARE STILL-"USING"..
"&".."EVEN" AT THE SUPER BOWL..
WHERE RAVENS LINEBACKER RAY LEWIS HAS BEEN LINKED TO STEROIDS.
WELL............."I" FEEL "COMPELLED"..
TO "ADMIT"..
THAT "I"..
HAVE "ALSO"-BEEN USING "PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS"..
DURING MY "ENTIRE"
RADIO CAREER..
-----
LOOK..
I'M INVOLVED IN A "VERY"..
CUT-THROAT...COMPETITIVE.. BUSINESS..
(& I'M "NOT" TALKING-ABOUT MY TAMALE STAND AT THE SWAP MEET)..
I'M TALKING ABOUT "RADIO"..
I "NEED".."EVERY"-EDGE I CAN GET..
-----------------------------
(#1)
MY "USE"
OF "PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS"-"BEGAN"..
WITH MY "1ST" JOB "IN"-RADIO..
WORKING THE "OVERNIGHT"-SHIFT..
I WAS IN MY 20'S..
SO..I WAS "USED" TO STAYING UP "LATE"..
(STAYING UP "LATE" & PLAYING VIDEO GAMES----
BUT "NOT"--STAYING UP "LATE & "WORKING")...
SO THIS "OLDER"-GUY
TOLD ME ABOUT "HERSHEY" BARS
& "MOUNTAIN DEW"..
NOW "I"..
HAD "EXPERIENCED"
"HERSHEY" BARS & "MOUNTAIN DEW"-"BEFORE"..
"BUT"...NEVER-
AT THE "SAME"-TIME..
"WOW"..
TALK ABOUT "ENHANCING"
MY "PERFORMANCE"..
I FOUND THAT I COULD WORK AN "ENTIRE" OVERNIGHT SHIFT..
("6"-"FULL" HOURS.....
WITH 2-BREAKS & A-LUNCH)..
& "THEN"......COME-HOME..
& SPEND THE "NEXT"-6-HOURS...
PLAYING "VIDEO GAMES"
-----------------------------
(#2)
SO....THIS MORNING..I AM CHRONICLING
"MY" LONG-TIME USE
OF "PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS"..
IN MY LATE-20'S.........I WAS PROMOTED TO THE 5-TO-MIDNIGHT SHIFT..
& I "LOVED"
"DISCO-DANCING"..
I WOULD "WORK" MY 7-HOUR SHIFT..
& "THEN"....
"I'D" HEAD OVER TO THE "DISCO"..
"WHERE"..
I LEARNED ABOUT A "MAGIC"-POWDER..
THAT KEEPS YOU "AWAKE"
FOR "DAYS"..
"KOOL AID"..
NOW THE DIRECTIONS "ON" THE CAN "CLEARLY" CALL FOR "4" SCOOPS-
PER-GALLON..
BUT "I"
GOT TO WHERE "I" WAS "POURING"
5--6--7--
"EVEN"-"8" SCOOPS..
"IN" TO THAT PITCHER..
"JUST"....TO-"STAY" "COMPETITIVE"..
(THERE WAS "BARELY"-ROOM FOR "WATER")..
& WHILE I ACHIEVED "GREAT" PROFESSIONAL SUCCESS..
I ALSO HAD A "LOT" OF PIMPLES..
& A BAD-CASE OF "SCOOPERS-ELBOW"..
------------------------
(#3)
SO "YES"..
"I"..
AM "ALSO" GUILTY
OF USING "PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS"..
(IT FEELS "SO"-GOOD...TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST)..
THE "NEXT"-"PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUG" I WAS INTRODUCED TO
WAS "ROGAINE"..
I WAS IN MY 30'S...& BEGINNING TO LOSE MY HAIR..
WELL I WAS "ALSO"
WORKING ON MY "1ST"-MORNING SHOW..
NOW.....IF YOU'RE "IN" YOUR 30'S..
& YOU'RE DOING A MORNING SHOW..
"WOMEN"...."LITERALLY"..
"THROW"-THEMSELVES
AT YOU..
AS "LONG"....
AS YOU'RE "NOT"-BALD..
YOU CAN "BE"-FAT..
BUT "NOT"-BALD..
SO "THAT"
IS WHEN I STARTED
"ENHANCING MY PERFORMANCE"
(wink-wink)..
WITH "ROGAINE"..
(I GOT INVITED TO A "TON"
OF "SADIE HAWKINS" DANCES)..
BUT "AGAIN"....
THERE "WAS"
A "DOWNSIDE" TO MY "ROGAINE"-USE..
HAIR STARTED GROWING
OUT OF MY "EARS"
MY "NOSE"...
"&"
I "GREW" A "UNI-BROW"..
-------------------------
(#4)
SO..I'VE BEEN SHARING WITH "YOU"..
"MY"-USE
OF "PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS"
OVER THE COURSE OF MY RADIO CAREER..
IT "STARTED"
WITH "HERSHEY" BARS & "MOUNTAIN DEW"..
PROGRESSED TO "KOOL AID"..
& THEN-"ROGAINE"..
& "THEN"..
I MOVED TO BAKERSFIELD..
WHERE I WAS "INTRODUCED"
TO THE "KING"..
OF "ALL"-"PERFORMANCE ENHANCING DRUGS"--
"ALCOHOL"..
IT MAKES YOU MORE-"GREGARIOUS"..
"FUNNY"..
"LESS"-"DISCRIMINATING"..
"&".........A "GREAT"-"DANCER"..
I "USED"..TO DRINK COFFEE---
"BLACK"..
"THEN".......
I STARTED "ADDING"
A "LITTLE"-"BOURBON"..
"THEN".......
A "LITTLE"-"MORE"-"BOURBON"..
"NOW"..
IT'S "ALL"-"BOURBON"..
"I"....
HAVE REACHED "FULL"-ENHANCEMENT..
(WINK-WINK)..
& "LOOK"
AT MY "SUCCESS"..
THE "17TH"-RANKED MORNING SHOW..
IN AMERICA'S 78TH-BIGGEST MARKET..
(sigh)..
THE BOURBON "ALSO" HELPS "DROWN THE SORROW"
