MY imaginary girlfriends
by Tony Manes
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posted Jan 29 2013 3:45PM
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SO..
NOTRE DAME FOOTBALL PLAYER MANTI TEO IS ON THE "KATIE COURIC SHOW" TODAY..
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AS I SAID EARLIER THIS WEEK..
WHAT'S THE BIG-DEAL?..
"I'VE" HAD "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS" PRETTY-MUCH
MY "WHOLE"-LIFE..
WELL..LAST-NIGHT..
I DECIDED TO MAKE A LIST
OF "ALL"
THE "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS" THAT I COULD REMEMBER..
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(#1)--MY "1ST" "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND" WAS..
--(MY 3RD GRADE TEACHER MRS. LIGHTNER)--
I "DIDN'T" UNDERSTAND
THE "TINGLING"-SENSATION
I "FELT"
WHEN MRS. LIGHTNER WROTE OUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT
ON THE BLACKBOARD..
BUT I "LIKED"-IT..
"UNTIL"......
I "IMAGINED" HER
GIVING ME "SPELLING TESTS" & "MATH PROBLEMS" & "TAKING MY ATTENDANCE"..
THE "REST" OF MY LIFE..
SO I DECIDED..
TO "REMAIN" A BACHELOR..
-----------------------
(#2)--(THE 7TH GRADE CHEERLEADERS)--
OUR 7TH GRADE CHEERLEADING SQUAD..
WAS THE "HOTTEST" COLLECTION OF 7TH GRADE GIRLS..
"I"..HAD "EVER" SEEN..
("WAY"-HOTTER THAN THE STUPID "6TH"-GRADE CHEERLEADERS)..
BUT..
HOW WAS "I"
SUPPOSED TO CHOOSE
"JUST"-1??..
SO "I"
MADE-ALL "6"-OF THEM
MY "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS"..
HONESTLY THOUGH..
IT'S A "LOT" OF "WORK"..
BALANCING-"6"..
"IMAGINARY GIRLFRIENDS"..
-----------------------
(#3)--(A PLAYBOY CENTERFOLD)--
HIDDEN "ABOVE" OUR WASHING MACHINE..
I FOUND MY DAD'S STASH OF "PLAYBOY" MAGAZINES..
(NEXT TO ICE CREAM..& TUBE SOCKS..
IT WAS
THE "GREATEST" DISCOVERY OF MY LIFE)..
"&"---FOR A "MOMENT"
I "UNDERSTOOD"
HOW CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS MUST HAVE FELT...
WHEN "HE" DISCOVERED
"HIS"-DAD'S "PLAYBOY"-STASH..
---------------------------
---------------------------
(#4)--(FARRAH FAWCETT)--
"SHE"
WAS THE 1ST
"IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND"
THAT MY PARENTS "ALLOWED"-"IN" MY ROOM..
THEY EVEN LET-ME "CLOSE" THE DOOR..
(WHICH WAS COOL..
BECAUSE SHE WAS "TAPED"
TO THE "BACK" OF THE DOOR)..
---------------------
(#5)--(DOLLY PARTON)--
"SHE"
WAS THE "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND" WHO "1ST"-MADE ME NOTICE
BIG-----------"HAIR"..
(SHE HAD THE BIGGEST-------"HAIR"
"I" HAD EVER-SEEN)..
& "REMEMBER"..
"I" HAD SEEN BIG------------"HAIR"..
"BEFORE"..
BACK-WHEN I DISCOVERED MY DAD'S STASH-OF-"PLAYBOYS"..
---------------------
---------------------
(#6)--(CHRISTIE BRINKLEY)--
NATIONAL..
LAMPOON'S..
VACATION..
CHRISTIE BRINKLEY
"IN" THE POOL
(whispers--SHE'S "NAKED")..
WHEN "SHE"
WAS MY "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND"
WE SPENT A-"LOT" OF TIME
"IN" THE POOL..
("UNFORTUNATELY"..
I WORE GLASSES "THEN"......
& I "NEVER" WORE MY "GLASSES" INTO THE POOL....
SO "EVERYTHING" WAS "BLURRY"..
& I COULDN'T TELL IF IT WAS CHRISTIE BRINKLEY..
OR MY AUNT EDNA)..
--------------------
--------------------
(#7)--(BO DEREK)--
I "WATCHED" BO DEREK
RUNNING DOWN THE BEACH
IN THE MOVIE "10"..
(AGAIN..& AGAIN..& AGAIN)..
WITH HER-----"HAIR"------
BOUNCING UP.........& DOWN..
UP.......& DOWN..
UP.......& DOWN..
("&"..IT WAS A "COLD"-DAY
"AT" THE BEACH "THAT"-DAY)..
-------------------
-------------------
(#8)--(SHANIA TWAIN)--
THIS WAS DURING MY "COUNTRY"-PHASE..
WHEN I WAS "IN"-TO "ALL" THINGS "COUNTRY"..
BOOTS..
10-GALLON HATS..
COW PIES..
(BY-"FAR"..THE "LEAST"-TASTY" OF "ALL" THE "PIES")..
EVENTUALLY..I "IMAGINARY DUMPED"-SHANIA..
I WAS AFRAID SHE WAS GOING TO MAKE ME "LINE-DANCE"..
(& I DON'T DO "THAT"---"EVEN" FOR SHANIA TWAIN--
NO MATTER "HOW"-MANY BEERS I'VE HAD)..
---------------------
(#9)--(ELIZABETH HURLEY)--
THIS WAS DURING MY "BRITISH"-PHASE..
WHEN I WAS "IN" TO "ALL" THINGS "BRITISH"..
JAMES BOND..
FISH & CHIPS..
"STRIP-BILLIARDS"..
"SHE"
WAS MY "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND"-"AFTER" HUGH GRANT DUMPED-HER..
SO "SHE" WAS ON THE "REBOUND"..
& I'LL ADMIT.."I"..TOOK ADVANTAGE OF "THAT..
(SHE WAS MORE AN "IMAGINARY FRIEND-WITH-BENEFITS")..
---------------------
---------------------
(#10)--(JENNIFER ANISTON)--
JENNIFER ANISTON WAS MY "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND" WHEN "FRIENDS" WAS AT
THE HEIGHT OF IT'S POPULARITY..
(AFTER "I" DUMPED-HER..
AS MY "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND"..
SHE STARTED DATING BRAD PITT..
"JUST" TO GET "BACK" AT ME)..
---------------------
(#11)--(TYRA BANKS)--
NOW THE "ONLY" REASON TYRA BANKS WAS MY "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND"
WAS BECAUSE "I"
WANTED TO "SHOW" JENNIFER ANISTON..
THAT I "DIDN'T" CARE
THAT "SHE" WAS DATING BRAD PITT..
---------------------
(#12)--(SALMA HAYEK)--
FOR THE LAST "5"-YEARS
MY "EXCLUSIVE"-"IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND"
HAS BEEN SALMA HAYEK..
WE GO TO HOLLYWOOD MOVIE PREMIERES..
HAVE DINNER WITH HER FAMOUS FRIENDS AT THE FINEST RESTAURANTS..
JET TO EXOTIC DESTINATIONS..
BUT "MOST"-OF-THE-TIME..
WE JUST "HANG-OUT" IN MY MAN CAVE..
WATCHING SPORTS & NAPPING..
NOW I "NEVER" TALK ABOUT SALMA
IN "FRONT" OF MY WIFE..
IN FACT..
I TELL MY "WIFE"
THAT IF I COULD "HAVE"
AN "IMAGINARY GIRLFRIEND"..
IT WOULD-BE BETTY WHITE..
THAT WAY..
SHE "DOESN'T" FEEL-THREATENED..
& I GET TO "CARRY-ON" WITH SALMA..
Tags : Topics : Human InterestSocial : Human InterestPeople : BO DEREK, BRAD PITT, CHRISTIE BRINKLEY, DOLLY PARTON, ELIZABETH HURLEY, FARRAH FAWCETT, HUGH GRANT, JENNIFER ANISTON, MANTI TEO, SALMA HAYEK, SHANIA TWAIN
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